A. Mitchell Long: The Playboy Interview

The year 2012 is shaping up to be the best yet for painter A. Mitchell Long.  More plein air!  More changing light!  More colors!  Long, as you may know, paints in and around the exciting city of New Orleans.  You can often see him creating yet another very strong piece while floating in his studio on a hand-made raft in the middle of Bayou St. John.  In January, while painting in Pirate's Alley, an assassin's bullet whizzed by him and struck a donkey pulling some tourists.  He was able to trade the animal's owner a small painting in exchange for fresh donkey meat for a month.  When I sat down with Long recently, he was in an understandably good mood.

A: I heard all schizophrenics all have narcissist mothers, so I've decided I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Q: Wait I'm writing this down.

A: No, don't put that down. What else can we talk about?

Q: Do you think Sean Payton is really Lee Harvey Oswald?

A: If you look at the the fact that after Oswald was shot, they never saw his body afterwards, and then Sean Payton was born . . . well, you do the math. Then Sean Payton was a Dallas coach. Then he became coach of New Orleans where Oswald lived.  What do they say? 1+2=3? That's what I say when I get confused.

Q:

A: So in New Orleans, the t-shirts that are selling the most say Free Sean Payton.

Q: Do you have one?

A: I have women's underwear on that says Free Sean Payton.  Let me put my women's underwear on.

. . .

By the way, I quit smoking cigarettes. I was eating with Joel and my parents. Joel said, "He's doing so much to help himself. He quit smoking." 

I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." I went to the bathroom and climbed out the window.

My mom said, “Where's Mitchell?”

Joel said, "He climbed out the window. Probably smoking crack again."

Q: Does your mom know you're smoking crack again?

A: I told my mom about crack. She said, "Why would you smoke that? Don't you get shit in your mouth?"

Q: Have you ever sat there at an AA meeting listening to someone lie repeatedly, and you just let it go on?

A: I can't talk about this because it's an anonymous program where people try to stop drinking. But I never drank anyway. I used to smoke crack. They call me poo poo platter. The policy at AA is to experience your strength of smell.

Q: Do people at AA smell?

A: Like roses in the springtime.

Q: Complete this sentence: If you heard a rose in the springtime lie at an AA meeting, what would you say?

A: I'd say a rose is a rose is a rose is . . . what's the other word?

Q: Did you know Sean Payton was a scab?

A: A scab?

Q: Yeah.

A: Yeah, he's a scab on the conscience of all of us.

Q: Do you think the Saints should have to give up the first S in their name again because of Sean Payton?

A: Hardy har har har. I think we should wear Ziploc bags this time because we need to zip our mouths. I mean, we have to be transparent, Sean Payton Asshole. 

Q: Do you think the wetlands should have to give up all the trees for one hurricane season?

A: I think the wetlands need to be called the etlands for one year.

Q: Do you have Sean Payton in the pocket?

A: No, I'm just happy to see you.

Q: Doesn't Sean Payton have a house in Dallas?

A: I think he does. [Unintelligible. Wink wink.]

Q: How's the latest heart attack?

A: Yeah, uh, I love me some heart attack. I like to eat hamburgers from meat from heart attack cows. But don't tell Kittee and I said that.

Q: You're speaking from Pirate's Alley?

A: I'm in Orleans and Royal Street. I'm facing the back of St. Louis Cathedral. I'm painting. This is the first one I've done from the back. Wow, your typewriter skills have really improved. I can totally hear it from here.

Q: Are you going to make people care about the back of St. Louis Cathedral?

A: My goal in life is to be a goalie in the life of life.

Q: Have you ever seen Micky Mouse guy strutting down Jackson Square Lane without a care in the world?

A: Yeah, definitely. I love Mickey Mouse guy, but I feel guilty that I love him. And don't tell my mom I said that. I'm gonna have a t-shirt that says, Free Mickey Mouse Guy.

Q: Are you going to say who Mickey Mouse Guy is? Wait, strike that, court reporter. Are you Mickey Mouse? And who is Mickey Mouse?

A: Mickey Mouse is not an animal. Get it? Little David Lynch humor here. That's one of the best jokes ever. I don't care what anyone says. Hey, how's the weather there.

Q: Two suicides out of 5. I mean, 2 mild depressions out of 5. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers out of 5. I mean, 2 mildly depressed lawyers. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers who you can get to laugh by saying peekaboo out of 5.

A: Hey, what did suicide hotline say to the lawyer?

Q: What?

A: Hold on, we have a hundred more of you on the other line.

Q: Hey, the suicide hotline goes into a bar and says, A hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean.

A: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to the suicide case that already happened?

Q: What?

A: Not enough.

Q: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A: What?

Q: Too soon.

A: Wait, I got one. What did the suicide guy say to the suicide hotline?

Q: What?

A: You're killing me with that one. I'm not breathing anymore. Oops.

Q: What did the respiratory system say to the lawyer?

A: I remember when it was more popular that dentists did this. Those were the days.

Q: What did a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean having dinner and calling the suicide hotline on their cell phone say to themselves?

A: What did the world's longest joke say?

Q: Hey what did the world's most offensive joke say to the most perfect person?

A: What did Rush Limbaugh say to the lawyer joke?

Q: Hey what did Rush Limbaugh say to old greasy fried chicken cunt?

A: Hey, how many sluts does it take to screw in a light bulb?