Saturday, October 24, 2009

It's sad Wayne's going behind bars

Wayne's my favorite rapper. Guns bad. But America worse, for putting so many people in jails, prisons, what-have-you.

I found it interesting that after the judge said he wouldn't be able to withdraw his guilty plea, Wayne responded he wasn't one of those people. Now I'm not licensed in New York, I haven't practiced criminal law in several years, I don't know if the reporter mis-reported something, I don't know what else was said during the rearraignment, and there may have been some legit reason for Wayne to say that.

But if Wayne was suggesting that a person is per se morally deficient or two-faced for withdrawing his plea, I'm here to say that's not necessarily the case -- where I've practiced, at least. Disclaimer: Nothing here is meant to be legal advice. If you need legal advice, see a lawyer.

Depending on the situation, there may be a perfectly valid reason for withdrawing a guilty plea. But if a NY attorney wants to tell me I'm wrong about any of this, please do.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Vegan Mofo: Vegan American Might as Well Be a Caveperson's Cuisine

The vegan American cuisine is about 50 years old and, in some ways, created from whole cloth. Compare that to other cuisines around the world, which have evolutionized over thousands of years and have developed from an extended, indigenous collective wisdom.

On the one hand, you have a baby cuisine still struggling to figure out what it is. There are odd permutations, such as Healthy Vegan (unseasoned black beans, rice, kale), Facsimile Vegan (a soy bean is an egg, a soy bean is beef, etc.), and Junk Vegan (cupcakes and jerky). Unfortunately, vegan American has also grown up in a vicious corporate culture that in many ways plays the improper role of greedy manipulator, not helpful facilitator, of what those who choose vegan American should be eating.

The vegan American cuisine is also victimized by its understandable emphasis on the analogue. For example, the overwhelming percentage of eaters of this cuisine grew up eating non-vegan food and developed their sense of comfort and palate from this. They then try to re-create it in vegan form.

For example, compare scrambled eggs to tofu scramble. The nutritional profiles are radically different, as are the tastes. No doubt, it's better in many ways to eat tofu than eggs, but certainly not in all ways. For instance, how does tofu scramble, when combined with hash browns and toast physically affect a person compared to scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast? What kinds of chemical phenomena are set off when you combine eggs with those things versus when you combine tofu with those things? Certainly, both eggs and tofu contain protein, but they contain myriad other chemicals and create obviously different reactions when combined with other food. Is that combination harmful. If so, how? A mature cuisine would have largely worked out these matters.

Maybe tofu is healthier than an egg in most ways. But you can't end the discussion with an either/or fallacy. Is tofu healthy enough? Is it tasty enough? What is it really doing to our bodies and brains? How might it negatively affect our physiology in a way that the egg doesn't?

Traditional cuisines also have mostly developed incrementally through the passing on of flavors and techniques from family member to family member and from combining whole, local materials. American vegans, however, are often the first person in their family to adopt their particular diet. They must get much of their knowledge from the outside world. Their diet is often less borne of patient evolution than of radical invention.

I'm not suggesting eggs are acceptable to eat. I just think that those who eat a vegan American diet should consider how radical of a cuisine this is and think about the implications of eating a cuisine that's in its infancy as opposed to one that's been developed over thousands of years.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Vegan mofo: Cheese-eating whore

Today I spoke to someone who called herself a cheese-eating whore. I have seen this person eat vegan food, however.

Wow, I've given out so little information about this person. I must really be into privacy or something.

I also was at a food cart behind a person whose ass crack was hanging out. She hitched up her pants and ordered a vegan meal. I congratulated her for doing something to help animals, but what I congratulated her for was not the ordering of a vegan meal.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Painter A. Mitchell Long: Unhealthy Vegans Have Sex with their Cousins

By Dazee
Vegan Mofo Legal Affairs Correspondent

As Matisse and Picasso looked back on Cezanne as a paternal figure, so shall the best painter in the mid-21st century call A. Mitchell Long his pappy. An occasional vegan, Long is that rarest of artists – a painter’s painter’s painter.

MoFo visited him recently at his imposing studio in Mid City New Orleans. Strauss’ Blue Danube waltz played softly in the background as he “rapped” thoughtfully about two of the greatest "movements" of humankind, veganism and painting, as well as about falling off the macrobiotic wagon. As is his wont, Long pulled no punches and had particularly strong words for vegans who don’t know how to cook.

Q. A. Mitchell Long, do you think vegans are unhealthy?

A. I think some of them are. They look unhealthy to me. Look at the bags under their eyes. Plus they all hang out together. It’s real incestuous. They have sex with their cousins. You seem like you’re pretty healthy. But then Kittee cooks all the time. [Full disclosure: I am caveman. Kittee is cavewoman. Rarrrrrr!] I don’t think people who don’t know how to cook should be vegans.

Q. Do you ever cook vegan?

A. Yeah. I like vegan. If I eat just brown rice, that’s vegan. I like macrobiotic, too. Is raw food vegan? Macrobiotics, you have to cook everything. I think you at least have to blanch it. Or Stella it. Or Stanley Kowalski it.

Q. How do you make rice?

A. Boil it with water and then I do it by eye and pour it in – put it halfway, and then I’ll throw a bunch of stuff on top, you know, to weight it down so it steams and then bring it down to low. Forty-five minutes if it’s brown rice. If there’s still water in it, you keep it going. Then you just turn it off. It’ll soak up the water. My rice is OK.

Q. Is painting vegan?

The old oil paintings aren’t vegan because there’s rabbit-skin glue in them. The new ones are vegetable oil and pigment. But I do use rabbit’s skin glue every once in a while. Now [prominent Young British Artist] Damien Hirst, he took a big shark and stuffed it; that’s not vegan. He took a skull and put diamonds all over it – that’s not vegan. There are also people who put blood all over themselves. That’s not vegan.

Q. Do you ever eat when you’re painting.

A. No. I drink water, smoke a cigarette, maybe. Don’t tell my parents that. Don’t tell my boss that, my boss – God.. . . Dog.

Q. You eat oatmeal, right?

A. Yeah, steel cut oats. That’s another part of that macrobiotic fasting. Boil it. Then stir it. Then it’s creamy. Then bring it down to 1 degree or low or something. Then 30 minutes, and it should be pretty good to go. I throw it in the fridge, then nuke it in a plastic bag, then eat it with my hands.

Q. The New York Times recently reported that you had fallen off the macrobiotic wagon. It caused quite a sensation. We’d like to ask you to set the record straight.

When I ate rice, then broke the macrobiotic fast, I had red beans: it was so tasty. My roommate’s not that good of a cook, and it was so good. There was meat in that. sausage. A big old sausage. I believe in eating every type of diet – macrobiotic, meatatarian, humanitarian. But I don’t believe in cannibalism. So that’s where I draw the line. But who knows? It might be good.

Q. When you were eating rice, what kinds of paintings were you doing?

A. Doing panorama paintings with gesso. I was painting panorama paintings of plein air, directly from vegan.

Q. What was the subject matter of the paintings?

A. I’ve been painting on this spot on the cusp of the French Quarter, these two buildings, one’s called Buffa’s, and the other is Melrose, a B&B. That corner is on Esplanade. Sometimes I’ll have a Red Bull, and I drink a lot of water. Drunk people will come up and comment on my painting. I get some pretty good comments, some good feedback, which is pretty cool. It’s a new thing for me to talk to people. Maybe the brown rice started getting me talking more, like a Socialist.

Q. But back to the painting.

A. I take in a 180-degree composition from life, just like Monet and Cezanne, the Impressionists, squeezing it into panorama format, 4 inches by 20 inches. My friends call it “skinny Long.” My last name is Long. I’m getting skinnier, putting more holes in my belt loop every day. Do you have a drill so I can put more holes in my belt loop? Luckily I’m on the outside of Barnes & Noble, so nobody’s hearing this brilliance.

Q. Speaking of brilliance, tell us a little about your website.

My website,, is vegan. I quit putting meat in my website last year. I went completely vegan on my website.

I’ve never painted meat. I had a friend who painted a very beautiful painting of an egg. I’ve painted some stoves. I have a painting of your and kittee’s kitchen. I painted a vegan kitchen. I don’t think it’s on my website. Maybe I’ll put it on there. Maybe I’ll call it “Vegan Kitchen” or “Vegan Kitchen That’s Dazee and Kittee’s” or “Dazee’s Vegan Kitchen and Kittee’s Vegan Kitchen” or “Late Afternoon with Dazee and Kittee’s Kitchen with a Little bit of Syrup on the Table, a Little Molasses, with Rosy Colored Dawn, Pink-fingered Dawn of Kittee and Dazee’s Kitchen.”

The paintings of A. Mitchell Long may be seen at

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Vegan Mofo: I've been vegan for like a few weeks

Just taking it one day at a time. Smoking lots of damn cigarettes. Drinking tons of that coffee now.

Fuck ya'll hatin on vegans

I'm not even gonna mention ya'll's stanky names. That's right. I'ts vegan mofo, 2009.

Love to the non=-pants -wearing animals.

Happy birthday, attorney Gandhi. You were one heck I mean hell of a laywer. Q: Ho0w many more restaurants named Gandhi that serve chicken can there be before the end of the world? A: How the hell should I know?