tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50347337795693501862024-02-20T01:08:52.900-08:00New Orleans Restaurant Reviews for Vegans by DazeeI live in Portland now, but I'm still the mother fuckin' expert.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-39104628051254269252012-03-27T15:13:00.000-07:002012-03-27T15:13:57.539-07:00A. Mitchell Long: The Playboy Interview<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The year 2012 is shaping up to be the best yet for painter A. Mitchell Long. More plein air! More changing light! More colors! Long, as you may know, paints in and around the exciting city of New Orleans. You can often see him creating yet another very strong piece while floating in his studio on a hand-made raft in the middle of Bayou St. John. In January, while painting in Pirate's Alley, an assassin's bullet whizzed by him and struck a donkey pulling some tourists. He was able to trade the animal's owner a small painting in exchange for fresh donkey meat for a month. When I sat down with Long recently, he was in an understandably good mood.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I heard all schizophrenics all have narcissist mothers, so I've decided I don't want to talk to you anymore.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Wait I'm writing this down.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: No, don't put that down. What else can we talk about?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do you think Sean Payton is really Lee Harvey Oswald?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: If you look at the the fact that after Oswald was shot, they never saw his body afterwards, and then Sean Payton was born . . . well, you do the math. Then Sean Payton was a Dallas coach. Then he became coach of New Orleans where Oswald lived. What do they say? 1+2=3? That's what I say when I get confused.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: <br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: So in New Orleans, the t-shirts that are selling the most say Free Sean Payton.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do you have one?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I have women's underwear on that says Free Sean Payton. Let me put my women's underwear on.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">. . .</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">By the way, I quit smoking cigarettes. I was eating with Joel and my parents. Joel said, "He's doing so much to help himself. He quit smoking." </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." I went to the bathroom and climbed out the window.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">My mom said, “Where's Mitchell?”</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Joel said, "He climbed out the window. Probably smoking crack again."</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Does your mom know you're smoking crack again? </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I told my mom about crack. She said, "Why would you smoke that? Don't you get shit in your mouth?"</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Have you ever sat there at an AA meeting listening to someone lie repeatedly, and you just let it go on?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I can't talk about this because it's an anonymous program where people try to stop drinking. But I never drank anyway. I used to smoke crack. They call me poo poo platter. The policy at AA is to experience your strength of smell. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do people at AA smell?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Like roses in the springtime.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Complete this sentence: If you heard a rose in the springtime lie at an AA meeting, what would you say?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I'd say a rose is a rose is a rose is . . . what's the other word?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Did you know Sean Payton was a scab?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: A scab?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Yeah.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Yeah, he's a scab on the conscience of all of us.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do you think the Saints should have to give up the first S in their name again because of Sean Payton?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Hardy har har har. I think we should wear Ziploc bags this time because we need to zip our mouths. I mean, we have to be transparent, Sean Payton Asshole. </div><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do you think the wetlands should have to give up all the trees for one hurricane season?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I think the wetlands need to be called the etlands for one year.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Do you have Sean Payton in the pocket?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: No, I'm just happy to see you.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Doesn't Sean Payton have a house in Dallas?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I think he does. [Unintelligible. Wink wink.]</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: How's the latest heart attack?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Yeah, uh, I love me some heart attack. I like to eat hamburgers from meat from heart attack cows. But don't tell Kittee and I said that.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: You're speaking from Pirate's Alley?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I'm in Orleans and Royal Street. I'm facing the back of St. Louis Cathedral. I'm painting. This is the first one I've done from the back. Wow, your typewriter skills have really improved. I can totally hear it from here.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Are you going to make people care about the back of St. Louis Cathedral?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: My goal in life is to be a goalie in the life of life.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Have you ever seen Micky Mouse guy strutting down Jackson Square Lane without a care in the world?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Yeah, definitely. I love Mickey Mouse guy, but I feel guilty that I love him. And don't tell my mom I said that. I'm gonna have a t-shirt that says, Free Mickey Mouse Guy.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Are you going to say who Mickey Mouse Guy is? Wait, strike that, court reporter. Are you Mickey Mouse? And who is Mickey Mouse?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Mickey Mouse is not an animal. Get it? Little David Lynch humor here. That's one of the best jokes ever. I don't care what anyone says. Hey, how's the weather there.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Two suicides out of 5. I mean, 2 mild depressions out of 5. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers out of 5. I mean, 2 mildly depressed lawyers. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers who you can get to laugh by saying peekaboo out of 5.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div>A: Hey, what did suicide hotline say to the lawyer? <div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: What?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Hold on, we have a hundred more of you on the other line.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Hey, the suicide hotline goes into a bar and says, A hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to the suicide case that already happened?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: What?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Not enough.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: What?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Too soon.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Wait, I got one. What did the suicide guy say to the suicide hotline?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: What? </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: You're killing me with that one. I'm not breathing anymore. Oops.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: What did the respiratory system say to the lawyer?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: I remember when it was more popular that dentists did this. Those were the days.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: What did a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean having dinner and calling the suicide hotline on their cell phone say to themselves?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: What did the world's longest joke say?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Hey what did the world's most offensive joke say to the most perfect person?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: What did Rush Limbaugh say to the lawyer joke?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Q: Hey what did Rush Limbaugh say to old greasy fried chicken cunt?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A: Hey, how many sluts does it take to screw in a light bulb?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div>KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-64872228845137066022012-03-10T12:24:00.000-08:002012-03-10T12:24:50.600-08:00R.I.P., B.I.G.Notorious B.I.G. passed 15 years ago yesterday. I didn't post because I was in a spiritual ecstasy listening to him. KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-17622325995922802652012-03-01T22:11:00.000-08:002012-03-01T22:11:34.664-08:00Koch Industries, Inc. v. President ObamaThose richie richie right-wang Koch Brothers own the delightful Matador Cattle Company. [url]http://www.matadorranch.com/[/url]. If you're not into cattle, you can do the following hunts:<br />
<br />
Panther Canyon Trophy Hunt<br />
Big Ranch Hunt<br />
Mule Deer<br />
Quail<br />
Dove<br />
Turkey<br />
Predator & Hogs<br />
Combo Hunts<br />
<br />
U.S. President Obama, on the other hand, takes Russian President Dmitry Medvedev out and orders two burgers with cheddar cheese for them. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KR4S4ge114">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KR4S4ge114</a>.<br />
<br />
Medvedev gets sauteed onions and a little bit of jalapeno and some mushrooms. Well done. Not red inside. <br />
<br />
Obama: "I'll have some of the sauteed onions." Obama: Lettuce and tomato. Medvedev: No lettuce or tomato. <br />
<br />
But uh-oh. Obama doesn't know if the bread and butter pickles are too sweet for him. "Is one order of fries big enough for both of us?" he asks. Look at him wring his hands and fret over the order!<br />
<br />
He goes with the large fry. Not large fries. A large fry. He orders Medvedev a large Coke. He gets an iced tea. Then he changes Medvedev's burger to medium well. He doesn't want it "singed."<br />
<br />
President Obama then skillfully negotiates paying for the meal, first shooting down Medvedev's offer to pay, then silencing the restaurant staff's offer to give it to him for free. <br />
<br />
It reminds me of the time Kittee and I sat across from ex-President Jimmy Carter and his wife Roslyn Carter at Casamento's, where I've heard they fry in duck fat. Wow.KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-72697359628734865102010-11-13T16:30:00.000-08:002011-03-05T18:03:06.440-08:00Walkin' Back to New OrleansActually, I flew back. A couple weeks ago. Sorry, Fats Domino. I'm really sorry, Fats Domino. Don't hate me for flying back to New Orleans. Just don't. And if you don't hate me, I will forgive you for not playing at JazzFest that one year and Lionel Richie came on in your place. Although maybe you were telling the truth that you had some medical condition that prevented you from playing. Actually, Fats Domino, it would be cooler in a way if you just blew it off. I would've admired that "I'm Fats Domino, and I don't give two fucks" attitude.<br /><br />Since all my restaurant reviews are from the year Zero B.C. and also because we are in Vegan MoFo right now, I thought I'd share my opinions on where to eat in New Orleans if you're a vegan, 2010. The best part about these reviews, though, is they will show you how much I've grown since I left there a year ago. Fascinating.<br /><br />Tandoori Chicken -- My first stop, in Metairie, where David Duke used to -- and for all I know still does -- iron his robe and hood. Ignore the name Tandoori Chicken, vegans, and get out your fork. Still my favorite restaurant in the New Orleans area. Owner Singh dude cooked me a custom order of saag without paneer. No cream in the dish either, just in my jeans, 'cause it was so goddamned good. What? If you can't cream in your jeans when someone cooks you some tasty Indian greens, then why don't we all just go fuck ourselves in the 1950s or something?<br /><br />Parkway Bakery & Tavern -- Had two french fry po boys. Now that is some starch. Tell 'em to hold the gravy. And bring your own vegenaise. Which reminds me . . .<br /><br />I will now take a break to congratulate myself on my unique contribution to veganness -- my commitment to vegan condiments. Because I like po boys so much, and because a po boy isn't shit without a mayonnaise-like substance, I bring my own jar of vegenaise wherever I go. I also bring salt (vegan!) and non-white sugar. I've faced a lot of ridicule, been spit on, etc., for being so vegenaise-centric, but there's nothing like feeling the heft and cool glass of the vegenaise jar in your coat pocket when you're headed to the po boy shop. My only dilemma is whether to put all these great condiments in a holster, a man-purse or a fanny-pack-like dispenser that creepy people used to wear to make change.<br /><br />Bennachin -- From Gambia and Cameroon -- two of the best African countries; no, two of the best countries, period, motherfucker, I will beat your ass! -- come a combo dish you will want to have heterosexual sex with. I'm talking about <span style="visibility: visible;" id="search">jama jama ni makondo, which consists of <em></em></span>some pretty dang fine down-homey Spinach, fried plantains, coconut rice and a white roll. I got a ginger drink, too. And it's in the French Quarter -- a block away from Bourbon Street, in fact. So you can digest while exploring one of the world's most sophisticated titty-watchin' scenes.<br /><br />Surrey's -- And now for Part I of the brunch segment of our program. They have some genius in the kitchen cooking the potatoes. Good enough to make up for the hot water they pass off as coffee -- weak, man. On the other hand, the word "vegan" is still on the menu.<br /><br />Satsuma -- A perfect place to bring a vegan-hatin' friend, like I did. I gave her the sugary, crackly top of my muffin, and she briefly shut up 'cause it was so dang good.<br /><br />Fair Grinds -- More savory and sweet vegan snacks than a New Orleans coffee house in its right mind should have. Also the best coffee in town. And it's got such a groovy hippie vibe, I had a massive LSD flashback that I am still on right now -- the screen is melting, man, Microsoft Windows 7 and Facebook are growing genitals, and they just jumped in a pile with Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg . . . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!<br /><br />Pho Tau Bay -- While I'm on this LSD flashback, I'd just like to say that this is a very fine Vietnamese establishment. Indeed, I had a perfectly good order of vegetarian soft spring rolls and pan-fried noodles with vegetables and tofu and washed it down with a splendid sugary lime drink.<br /><br />Kim Son -- So China and Vietnam were sitting around one day, drunk as usual, when China said, Hey, Vietnam, let's start a restaurant called Kim Son. Let's, said Vietnam. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see if you can still flush the urinals by stepping on a wooden board, but I did have me some nice lemongrass tofu and brown rice and grease-bomb (in a good way) fried egg rolls. If the beautiful magic that is Kim Son is any indication, China and Vietnam should join hands more often in restaurant land.<br /><br />Dickie Brennan's Bourbon House -- After an exhausting day on Bourbon Street -- getting chafed from marathon lap dances, puking chunky blood and bribing a cop with a wallet full of crisp hundreds only to have him violate 42 U.S.C. sec. 1983 by tasering my balls off -- all I wanted was a restorative bowl of soup. And boy did this place do me. They have a creamy cauliflower number that'll make you feel fresh as a field of daisies. With fabric softener.<br /><br />Lebanon's -- If everyone in Beirut had been eating the vegetarian grape leaves at Lebanon's back in the '80s, they would've been too satiated to pull the pins on all those grenades. While we were there, personal injury lawyer extraordinaire Morris Bart rolled up. I screamed, "Hey, Buddy!" That's his nickname. He immediately scampered over to our table to pay tribute to me. "Dazee," he said, "you are one hell of an attorney at law." "Well, I do declare, Buddy," I said, "you are one hell of a human being."<br /><br />Beaucoup Nola -- The snowball I had was so weak in flavor, I wanted to punch it in the nuts.KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-13455819592847809712010-05-15T10:18:00.000-07:002010-05-15T11:00:50.079-07:00Vanilla, with 50 Gallons of Blood<span style="font-style: italic;">Sir David Frost here. Dazee had to go to the restroom and sit on a stool, so he asked me to fill in for him this week. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">People ask me, Sir David Frost, what is your most memorable interview? Nixon? John and Yoko? The Queen of fucking England? You interviewing yourself as a baby? Ga ga goo goo?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The answer is, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But remember this one, from the 20th century, with vegan painter A. Mitchell Long?</span><br /><br />Frost: Are you vegan?<br /><br />Long: Actually, when I go to the bathroom it’s vegan, but when I eat, it’s only meat. Don’t put that in the interview. My mom might see it.<br /><br />F: How long have you been vegan?<br /><br />L: I don’t know. Go talk to Einstein. I’d say 2 feet.<br /><br />F: Did anyone hear it when you went vegan?<br /><br />L: Those guys [unintelligible]. Sorry. You shouldn’t put that in. I’ll get beat up.<br /><br />F: Are you mad that Obama was watching his daughters grow up when the big gusher got on that one oyster?<br /><br />L: Daniel Day Lewis describes it perfectly about the oil in In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It’s one of best movies I’ve ever seen about killing someone with a noose on an oil rig. I’m like, capital punishment on an oil rig: This is great. Daniel Day Lewis<br /><br />F: What’s your favorite flavor of vegan milkshake when you’re putting a bowling pin on someone’s head?<br /><br />L: Vanilla with 50 gallons of blood spilled all over it. Is it vegan if you spill the blood of the guy you hit over the head with a bowling pin? Don’t tell my mom about this article because she’ll find out I smoke cigarettes.<br /><br />I take the 5th on the next one and the next after that, so you gotta go to the next one after that<br /><br />So are girlfriend problems vegan? That’s my question. I always thought it was the opposite of veganism, which is world peace. But don’t put that down – Kittee will kill me.<br /><br />F: If you get a hair in your tooth, is that vegan?<br /><br />L: The waiter says no and punches me in the mouth. Hey, Hemingway, the waiter punched me in the mouth for having a hair in my tooth! Now I’m going to my orthodontist for the hair in the tooth.<br /><br />F: Is it vegan if it smells like fish?<br /><br />L: That’s a gross question.<br /><br />F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the Coke in the world with all the fish in the world?<br /><br />L: Fish make Coke. Don’t quote me on that, and don’t tell Atlanta I said that or that city’s gonna kick my ass.<br /><br />F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the vinegar and water in the world with all the fish in the world?<br /><br />L: It is a new movement in California, and I’m opposed to it.<br /><br />F: You lived right down the street from Alex Chilton, right?<br /><br />L: Yeah.<br /><br />F: Do you think Michael Stipe was really sad when Alex Chilton died?<br /><br />L: I saw Michael Stipe at a Patti Smith concert. He sang a little bit. He sang “Happy Days Are Here Again.” He thinks he’s gonna be more famous because he’s not as good.<br /><br />F: Do you think Michael Stipe should’ve paid for a new heart for Alex Chilton?<br /><br />L: Yeah. I think Michael Stipe should rip out his heart and then bounce it.<br /><br />F: Did you hear that Michael Stipe wrote a check to buy a new heart for Alex Chilton but it bounced?<br /><br />L: That’s disgusting. Next question, please.<br /><br />F: What’s your next album gonna be like?<br /><br />L: I’ve been working with Alex Chilton lately in my apartment, and he smells bad, but don’t write that down. Alex Chilton fans are gonna kick my ass for making fun of him.<br /><br />F: Do you think Alex Chilton was proud that he lived in Treme?<br /><br />L: I don’t know, let’s ask him. He was always a man of few words, so you’ll probably get the same answer as you would have 2-3 months ago.<br /><br />F: Do you think Dave Cash is a good vegan?<br /><br />L: I like what he did in Folsom Prison. Of course, he eats huge slabs of cow.<br /><br />F: Do you think your mother would find what you’re saying to be funny right now?<br /><br />L: Don’t repeat what I just said. Don’t let my mom hear about this article. I better go change my underwear.<br /><br />F: Do you think your mother would think it’s funny if I asked her to ask you to ask her how many times she changed your twin brother’s diaper? Did you know your twin brother got his diaper changed by your mom?<br /><br />L: I put on a new fresh set of underwear. Now it’s time to put on a third underwear.<br /><br />F: Mind if I put you on speaker phone?<br /><br />L: Yeah, all right. By the way I’m in my studio.<br /><br />F: What are you doing?<br /><br />L: Finishing up a frame. I have a show coming up next week.<br /><br />F: Where?<br /><br />L: Houma, Louisiana.<br /><br />F: Do you think there will be a Houma in Houma next week?<br /><br />L: [Wind breaking up sound] because my mom will be really mad at me.<br /><br />F: What are you doing for your show?<br /><br />L: It’s just like landscapes. It’s all landscapes. Most are neutral ground looking out Esplanade Avenue, kind of a panorama, like trees and architecture, stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. It’s really windy here.<br /><br />F: Did the wind get in your paintings?<br /><br />L: No, but there have been problems with leakage. [Screaming noises] I’m very proud of my underpants on a stool in my underwear.<br /><br />F: Have you ever done that joke when you pull the stool out from someone’s underpants?<br /><br />L: That’s why i really like being a vegan. I think kittee has a nice recipe for that.KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-915504345136278142010-01-09T11:45:00.000-08:002010-01-09T13:32:57.832-08:00MurderVery exciting: I was browsing The New Yorker online and came across the headline "Scratch and Crow." I got a chill: That's the name of one of my old friend Helen Hill's films. And as the story revealed, it's now in the Library of Congress' National Film Archive.<br /><br />Two other things you should know about Helen: <br /><br />1. She was so sweet; when you were around her, she just kind of bathed you in calm -- as a person who's coo-coo in the brain, I particularly appreciated this, but who wouldn't?<br /><br />2. She was murdered in New Orleans 3 years ago this week. It's not clear exactly what happened, but the story that most people seem to have settled on is that early in the morning, Helen opened her back door to let her pet pig Rosie out, and just then, someone escaping from another crime burst in and shot her.<br /><br />At the time, we all talked about why this had happened to Helen and what it meant. Maybe she just got caught in the crossfire, like a baby catching a bullet in a drive-by. Or maybe it was because people are more likely to be murdered in New Orleans than in any other city in the U.S. Living in New Orleans certainly didn't help her chances, that's for sure.<br /><br />Helen's murder got national attention. And then people started to say that if she wasn't white, a talented filmmaker with a degree from Harvard, her killing would've been stuck on page 3 of the Metro section. Almost certainly true.<br /><br />Right after Helen was killed, I had held out hope that some big change would take place. After all, thousands of people marched up to City Hall and demanded action. Yet nothing has really happened. Young black men continued to be gunned down. In 2008, 179 people murdered. No. 1 in the country. In 2009, at least 171. Again, probably No. 1.<br /><br />As the fresh pain of Helen's death receded, I would sometimes walk around New Orleans and think about what it meant to live in a place that put such a small value on people's lives. You would think that on the list of a city's priorities, this would be at the top. But New Orleans has decided the highest murder rate is an acceptable enough attribute for a city.<br /><br />For a while in New Orleans, it was popular to put up a sign in your window that said "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Then those were replaced with the slogan "Enough!" The last I saw, even those signs were fading away, as if people had just sort of sighed and given up. <br /><br />I know I did. I did my best, but finally I couldn't take it anymore. For these and other reasons, I moved away. <br /><br />New Orleans has another chance in 2010. It will have a new mayor. Maybe it will have a Super Bowl champion. I wish I could say there was hope that at the end of the year, a hundred and seventy or so fresh corpses won't be settling in in the pretty above-ground tombs that New Orleans takes such pride in and which tourists the world over visit. I think we all know better.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-58488359619877466772009-11-07T20:45:00.000-08:002009-11-07T20:49:10.544-08:00A. Mitchell Long: That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crapBy Dazee<br />Legal Affairs Correspondent<br /><br /><br />I was looking at youtube today and came across this October 26, 1966 Dick Cavett interview with New Orleans painter and vegan dabbler A. Mitchell Long. This was in the early days of Vegan Mofo. I know it’s not Vegan Mofo 2009 anymore, but at least the interview was done during a Vegan Mofo. But no more rationalizations. I liked the back and forth between these two so much, I reprint the transcript of selected portions of the program:<br /><br />Cavett: A. Mitchell Long, goddamn fucking fantastic to see you again. Fucking fantastic, man. What did you paint today?<br /><br />Long: I didn’t paint today.<br /><br />Cavett: What did you wear today?<br /><br />Long: Camouflage<br /><br />Cavett: Do you ever wear camouflage when you paint?<br /><br />Long: While painting? No.<br /><br />Cavett: Do you ever do preparatory paintings?<br /><br />Long: Doing something like a sketch or something? I paint directly from life, and then I go back to the same spot over and over so it’s like a constant preparatory of the motif. That’s sort of like how Monet and Claude Lorraine say to get to know a motif: you have to go and just study it.<br /><br />Claude Lorraine was before Monet, so Monet definitely looked at Turner and Lorraine. Claude Lorraine goes by Claude. But he did drawings. Everyting Claude Lorraine painted was in the studio. Back then, people didn’t use oil paints. They just mixed it in the studio with the power pigments.<br /><br />* * *<br /><br />Cavett: Did you eat any vegan food today?<br /><br />Long: Today I had oats for breakfast, and then I had spaghetti with tomato sauce. The tomato sauce had tomato sauce, garlic, cilantro and olive oil and little wok oil in it. The pasta wasn’t vegan.<br /><br />I started off vegan, and then I became spaghetti legs. But I was a vegetarian today, so that was good.<br /><br />Cavett: Let’s talk about a rather troubling incident you recently underwent that has affected you very profoundly.<br /><br />Long: My dog ran after another dog, and then the master of the other dog hit him on the head. That wasn’t vegan of him or me, letting the dog get after the other dog.<br /><br />Cavett: Getting back to the spaghetti, are you sure it wasn’t vegan?<br /><br />Long: I don’t know. It has a little sodium, 100% semolina. Minus 1% satisfaction guaranteed. It contains wheat ingredients and folic acid. Frolicking in the acid, I mean folic acid. It’s like the ’60s, frolicking in the acid<br /><br />So the spaghetti was vegan. You should have a vegan rabbi for veganism and vegan circumcision, except women would be circumcised. Don’t tell my parents I said that, or I’ll have cancer.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Cavett: How big have your latest paintings been?<br /><br />Long: I’ve been doing these paintings that are fairly big, 10" by 40". I painted in the Lower 9th Ward. I’m figuring out the difference between the 9th Ward and the lower 9th Ward. The lower 9th Ward is going back in time, farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. It’s so vegan. I don’t even feel like eating meat out there.<br /><br />Cavett: You say there’s farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. That’s all very nice, Mitch. But all kidding aside, how is the Lower 9th Ward really? Have any of the hospitals returned since the levee failures?<br /><br />Long: I wish they had because I stepped in an ant pile. Wow, I said, I stepped in an antpile; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in that second. I said, Golly gee willickers. I put neosporin on it. Is neosporin vegan? I said, I’m one bad ass m.f. I’m not gonna say that word or my mom will really kick my butt. So the next day, I was, like, Gee wiz, these bumps are coming back. Then the next day, the ants popped out. How do you get rid of them?<br /><br />Put oatmeal on them? When I’m chain smoking, put the cigarettes on them? Don’t tell my parents I said that.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Cavett: You’ve eaten at some pretty great restaurants in your life. Haven’t you? Haven’t you?<br /><br />Long: I wish I could give you a restaurant review, but I haven’t been to any restaurants lately. Oh, I did have some sliced pizza. It was all right. <br /><br />Cavett: From a restaurant?<br /><br />Long: Yeah, it was from Slice. Nothing special, but not terrible. Most pizza in New Orleans is terrible. They should brick-oven fried chicken and deep-fry pizza. But don’t tell my parents I said that.<br /><br />Cavett: Did you feel zen when you were eating pizza?<br /><br />Long: Zen is there. There is no feeling zen, whether you look at it or not. One foot in the cradle, one foot in the casket, that’s what I always say. Breathe in, breathe out. Pull out the pacifier, put in the breathing tube, that’s what I always say.<br /><br />Hey, are pacifiers vegan?<br /><br />Cavett: Yeah. <br /><br />Long: How about 100% meat pacifiers?<br /><br />Cavett: No.<br /><br />Long: How about a hot dog pacifier?<br /><br />Cavett: If it’s a vegan hot dog.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Long: I bought a can opener today for a dollar-sixty. Is that vegan?<br /><br />Cavett: Yeah. Where did you put it?<br /><br />Long: Just in the drawer. I bought it down at Canseco’s, a little grocery store in New Orleans, La.<br /><br />Cavett: Have you put it on any cans?<br /><br />Long: No. That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap. It’s called Good Cook, so all you vegans, if you buy Good Cook, you’re buying a piece of shit.<br /><br />Cavett: Is your art commercial?<br /><br />Long: My art? I want people to like it. I just read an article in the New York Times about how Thelonious Monk really wanted him to have a hit, and everyone thinks of him as being a spiritual type musician. In actuality, he really wanted to make money off his stuff. There’s integrity in my work, but I also want people to like it. I’d like to make some money off it, and I also want people to like it and buy it for big dollars, big pesos and dollars and deutschemarks. I want to rake those things into the wheelbarrow.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Long: When a dog barks, is that vegan?<br /><br />Cavett: Yeah<br /><br />Long: How about when a dog bites your leg?<br /><br />Cavett: Yes.<br /><br />Long: How about when the dog eats the master?<br /><br />Cavett: Yeah.<br /><br />Long: How about when you write about a vegan interview?<br /><br />Cavett: Yeah. Did you eat commercial today?<br /><br />Long: No, not at all. No, wait a second. I would say eating commercial would be eating anything out. I had 3 shots of espresso in Fair Grinds. That’s not really eating commercial. Sometimes I eat a commercial on TV. I just eat it. That’s the most zen thing I’ve ever done. Then you get fat, and you go to Eating Anonymous, and you eat all the McDonald’s commercials. Warhol used to eat commercials too much. Then he got shot by Valerie Solanis. Poor Valerie. She wasn’t vegan at all.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-66455882861735993562009-10-24T21:58:00.000-07:002009-10-24T22:25:40.443-07:00It's sad Wayne's going behind barsWayne's my favorite rapper. Guns bad. But America worse, for putting so many people in jails, prisons, what-have-you.<br /><br />I found it interesting that after the judge said he wouldn't be able to withdraw his guilty plea, Wayne responded he wasn't one of those people. Now I'm not licensed in New York, I haven't practiced criminal law in several years, I don't know if the reporter mis-reported something, I don't know what else was said during the rearraignment, and there may have been some legit reason for Wayne to say that.<br /><br />But if Wayne was suggesting that a person is per se morally deficient or two-faced for withdrawing his plea, I'm here to say that's not necessarily the case -- where I've practiced, at least. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Disclaimer: Nothing here is meant to be legal advice. If you need legal advice, see a lawyer.</span><br /><br />Depending on the situation, there may be a perfectly valid reason for withdrawing a guilty plea. But if a NY attorney wants to tell me I'm wrong about any of this, please do.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-31944904646172213952009-10-10T08:16:00.000-07:002009-10-10T09:06:04.284-07:00Vegan Mofo: Vegan American Might as Well Be a Caveperson's CuisineThe vegan American cuisine is about 50 years old and, in some ways, created from whole cloth. Compare that to other cuisines around the world, which have evolutionized over thousands of years and have developed from an extended, indigenous collective wisdom.<br /><br />On the one hand, you have a baby cuisine still struggling to figure out what it is. There are odd permutations, such as Healthy Vegan (unseasoned black beans, rice, kale), Facsimile Vegan (a soy bean is an egg, a soy bean is beef, etc.), and Junk Vegan (cupcakes and jerky). Unfortunately, vegan American has also grown up in a vicious corporate culture that in many ways plays the improper role of greedy manipulator, not helpful facilitator, of what those who choose vegan American should be eating. <br /><br />The vegan American cuisine is also victimized by its understandable emphasis on the analogue. For example, the overwhelming percentage of eaters of this cuisine grew up eating non-vegan food and developed their sense of comfort and palate from this. They then try to re-create it in vegan form. <br /><br />For example, compare scrambled eggs to tofu scramble. The nutritional profiles are radically different, as are the tastes. No doubt, it's better in many ways to eat tofu than eggs, but certainly not in all ways. For instance, how does tofu scramble, when combined with hash browns and toast physically affect a person compared to scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast? What kinds of chemical phenomena are set off when you combine eggs with those things versus when you combine tofu with those things? Certainly, both eggs and tofu contain protein, but they contain myriad other chemicals and create obviously different reactions when combined with other food. Is that combination harmful. If so, how? A mature cuisine would have largely worked out these matters.<br /><br />Maybe tofu is healthier than an egg in most ways. But you can't end the discussion with an either/or fallacy. Is tofu healthy enough? Is it tasty enough? What is it really doing to our bodies and brains? How might it negatively affect our physiology in a way that the egg doesn't?<br /><br />Traditional cuisines also have mostly developed incrementally through the passing on of flavors and techniques from family member to family member and from combining whole, local materials. American vegans, however, are often the first person in their family to adopt their particular diet. They must get much of their knowledge from the outside world. Their diet is often less borne of patient evolution than of radical invention.<br /><br />I'm not suggesting eggs are acceptable to eat. I just think that those who eat a vegan American diet should consider how radical of a cuisine this is and think about the implications of eating a cuisine that's in its infancy as opposed to one that's been developed over thousands of years.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-36145642081101828962009-10-07T21:25:00.000-07:002009-10-07T21:33:32.426-07:00Vegan mofo: Cheese-eating whoreToday I spoke to someone who called herself a cheese-eating whore. I have seen this person eat vegan food, however.<br /><br />Wow, I've given out so little information about this person. I must really be into privacy or something.<br /><br />I also was at a food cart behind a person whose ass crack was hanging out. She hitched up her pants and ordered a vegan meal. I congratulated her for doing something to help animals, but what I congratulated her for was not the ordering of a vegan meal.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-42037517099873527062009-10-04T21:11:00.000-07:002009-10-04T21:27:27.656-07:00Painter A. Mitchell Long: Unhealthy Vegans Have Sex with their Cousins<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>By Dazee<br />Vegan Mofo Legal Affairs Correspondent<br /><br />As Matisse and Picasso looked back on Cezanne as a paternal figure, so shall the best painter in the mid-21st century call A. Mitchell Long his pappy. An occasional vegan, Long is that rarest of artists – a painter’s painter’s painter.<br /><br />MoFo visited him recently at his imposing studio in Mid City New Orleans. Strauss’ Blue Danube waltz played softly in the background as he “rapped” thoughtfully about two of the greatest "movements" of humankind, veganism and painting, as well as about falling off the macrobiotic wagon. As is his wont, Long pulled no punches and had particularly strong words for vegans who don’t know how to cook.<br /><br />Q. A. Mitchell Long, do you think vegans are unhealthy?<br /><br />A. I think some of them are. They look unhealthy to me. Look at the bags under their eyes. Plus they all hang out together. It’s real incestuous. They have sex with their cousins. You seem like you’re pretty healthy. But then Kittee cooks all the time. [Full disclosure: I am caveman. Kittee is cavewoman. Rarrrrrr!] I don’t think people who don’t know how to cook should be vegans.<br /><br />Q. Do you ever cook vegan?<br /><br />A. Yeah. I like vegan. If I eat just brown rice, that’s vegan. I like macrobiotic, too. Is raw food vegan? Macrobiotics, you have to cook everything. I think you at least have to blanch it. Or Stella it. Or Stanley Kowalski it.<br /><br />Q. How do you make rice?<br /><br />A. Boil it with water and then I do it by eye and pour it in – put it halfway, and then I’ll throw a bunch of stuff on top, you know, to weight it down so it steams and then bring it down to low. Forty-five minutes if it’s brown rice. If there’s still water in it, you keep it going. Then you just turn it off. It’ll soak up the water. My rice is OK.<br /><br />Q. Is painting vegan?<br /><br />The old oil paintings aren’t vegan because there’s rabbit-skin glue in them. The new ones are vegetable oil and pigment. But I do use rabbit’s skin glue every once in a while. Now [prominent Young British Artist] Damien Hirst, he took a big shark and stuffed it; that’s not vegan. He took a skull and put diamonds all over it – that’s not vegan. There are also people who put blood all over themselves. That’s not vegan.<br /><br />Q. Do you ever eat when you’re painting.<br /><br />A. No. I drink water, smoke a cigarette, maybe. Don’t tell my parents that. Don’t tell my boss that, my boss – God.. . . Dog.<br /><br />Q. You eat oatmeal, right?<br /><br />A. Yeah, steel cut oats. That’s another part of that macrobiotic fasting. Boil it. Then stir it. Then it’s creamy. Then bring it down to 1 degree or low or something. Then 30 minutes, and it should be pretty good to go. I throw it in the fridge, then nuke it in a plastic bag, then eat it with my hands.<br /><br />Q. The New York Times recently reported that you had fallen off the macrobiotic wagon. It caused quite a sensation. We’d like to ask you to set the record straight.<br /><br />When I ate rice, then broke the macrobiotic fast, I had red beans: it was so tasty. My roommate’s not that good of a cook, and it was so good. There was meat in that. sausage. A big old sausage. I believe in eating every type of diet – macrobiotic, meatatarian, humanitarian. But I don’t believe in cannibalism. So that’s where I draw the line. But who knows? It might be good.<br /><br />Q. When you were eating rice, what kinds of paintings were you doing?<br /><br />A. Doing panorama paintings with gesso. I was painting panorama paintings of plein air, directly from vegan.<br /><br />Q. What was the subject matter of the paintings?<br /><br />A. I’ve been painting on this spot on the cusp of the French Quarter, these two buildings, one’s called Buffa’s, and the other is Melrose, a B&B. That corner is on Esplanade. Sometimes I’ll have a Red Bull, and I drink a lot of water. Drunk people will come up and comment on my painting. I get some pretty good comments, some good feedback, which is pretty cool. It’s a new thing for me to talk to people. Maybe the brown rice started getting me talking more, like a Socialist.<br /><br />Q. But back to the painting.<br /><br />A. I take in a 180-degree composition from life, just like Monet and Cezanne, the Impressionists, squeezing it into panorama format, 4 inches by 20 inches. My friends call it “skinny Long.” My last name is Long. I’m getting skinnier, putting more holes in my belt loop every day. Do you have a drill so I can put more holes in my belt loop? Luckily I’m on the outside of Barnes & Noble, so nobody’s hearing this brilliance.<br /><br />Q. Speaking of brilliance, tell us a little about your website.<br /><br />My website, mitchell-long.com, is vegan. I quit putting meat in my website last year. I went completely vegan on my website.<br /><br />I’ve never painted meat. I had a friend who painted a very beautiful painting of an egg. I’ve painted some stoves. I have a painting of your and kittee’s kitchen. I painted a vegan kitchen. I don’t think it’s on my website. Maybe I’ll put it on there. Maybe I’ll call it “Vegan Kitchen” or “Vegan Kitchen That’s Dazee and Kittee’s” or “Dazee’s Vegan Kitchen and Kittee’s Vegan Kitchen” or “Late Afternoon with Dazee and Kittee’s Kitchen with a Little bit of Syrup on the Table, a Little Molasses, with Rosy Colored Dawn, Pink-fingered Dawn of Kittee and Dazee’s Kitchen.”<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The paintings of A. Mitchell Long may be seen at mitchell-long.com.</span>KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-71425033142076781682009-10-03T21:20:00.000-07:002009-10-03T21:24:53.233-07:00Vegan Mofo: I've been vegan for like a few weeksJust taking it one day at a time. Smoking lots of damn cigarettes. Drinking tons of that coffee now.dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-34531818402933969292009-10-03T00:28:00.000-07:002009-10-03T00:42:54.380-07:00Fuck ya'll hatin on vegansI'm not even gonna mention ya'll's stanky names. That's right. I'ts vegan mofo, 2009.<br /><br />Love to the non=-pants -wearing animals.<br /><br />Happy birthday, attorney Gandhi. You were one heck I mean hell of a laywer. Q: Ho0w many more restaurants named Gandhi that serve chicken can there be before the end of the world? A: How the hell should I know?KitteeBeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00586088933112729165noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-2696063145437999962009-09-13T15:17:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:18:36.024-07:00Little Tokyo<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">310 N Carrollton Ave, (866) 543-0206 (LD)<br /><br />Don't you feel a little guilty when you hit the sushi bar and you have to tear open a package of disposable chopsticks, knowing you're at the end of a production line that started with a drunken lumberjack chainsawing yet another of Motherfuckin Earth's beautiful trees? Just so you can shove rice and veggies in your spoiled American maw? Well, check your guilty consciences at the door. Little Tokyo will sell you a pair of reusable sticks for $4.00, or let you bring your own for free, and the restaurant'll wash and keep 'em there for you. Wait! Oh shit! Another ice sheet in the Arctic Circle just cracked right under a polar bear nursing her cubs. Her left paws are on the part of the ice sheet floating away toward the left, and her right paws are on the ice sheet floating away toward the right, so she's doing the splits. The cubs gamely hold on to the bear's nipples for a second to avoid falling to a cold, watery death. The bear, enraged by the pain in her nipples, raises up and roars as the cubs lose their grip, tumbling into the ocean. . . . </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-20483965201088012842009-09-13T15:02:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:04:19.764-07:00Mojo<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">1500 Magazine St, New Orleans - (504) 525-2244 (BLD)<br /><br />Sometimes Fair Trade, sometimes not.<br /><br />I used to bring Vee, our freegan dog, in there. He's the cutest boy. The poor pooch -- he was drinking a nice pint glass of ice water when he knocked it over by accident. Dogs are now banned, though I don't think it had anything to do with Vee.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">Fun fact: During the '08 election season, the owner blanketed the place with signs for Constitutional fundamentalist Ron Paul.</span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-57876030678783487152009-09-13T15:01:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:02:13.451-07:00Fair Grinds<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">913-9072 (Open) (BLD)<br /><br />Right by Jazz Fest, where I saw Cheeky Black in 2007. Here's a little Big Freedia. Do it for ya. Somebody gawn be my . . . Girl, clap it for ya. We like to shake it for ya. We like to shake it for ya. Shake it like a baby daddy. Ha-ha-Hollygrove.<br /><br />The best coffee in New Orleans. Fair Grinds has vegan stuff off and on, but as far as I know, it's always Fair Trade. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-2642883569715543682009-09-13T14:57:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:01:09.129-07:00Zotz<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;"></span><p><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">Zotz, 8210 Oak Street, 861-2224 (BLD)<br /><br />Zotz is a curious combination of asshole and good company. I was charged a dollar for a two-ounce splash of soymilk in my coffee. That's a predatory business practice -- Zotz's policy, then, is to charge $16 for a 32-ounce container of soymilk it pays maybe $2 for. </span><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">When a coffeehouse charges an extra 50 cents or dollar for a splash of soymilk in your coffee, not only is this highway robbery in and of itself, but we soymilk drinkers also end up subsidizing cow milk drinkers, who get to guzzle their phlegm for free.<br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;"></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">Zots also once boasted of its pro-smoking policy at one point, though I don't know if it does anymore. On the other hand, it is so Fair Trade hipster. And so vegan-optional.<br /><br />The scene: Hi Mr. Prince Albert-wearing Speed Freak. Hello Stitch-and-Bitcher. Are you knitting me a cell-phone cozy? And is that you in the corner, Mrs. Face-Tattoo? Okay, I love this place. It's twenty-four hours a day of corporate-free coffee drinkin'. I got a stale vegan cookie right before my acupuncture session one day.<br /><br />Oh, did I mention Zotz serves Che Guevara's favorite beverage, yerba mate? The dude was a leper doctor. You know that yerba mate shit's gotta be tasty. Or it's just because he was from Argentina. Viva Zotz! Drink your coffee here and tell Starfuckers it can go piss up a rope. </span></p>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-34996457097392395202009-09-13T14:54:00.000-07:002009-09-13T14:55:38.894-07:00Pho Tau Bay<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">113-C Westbank Expwy., Gretna, 368-9846 (LD)<br /><br />I have it on good authority that the honcho behind these restaurants was questioned for jury duty in a capital murder case in Jefferson Parish, New Orleans' death-penalty-lovin' neighbor, see www.blackstrikes.com. The owner said under oath that he would automatically vote for the death penalty in cases where the defendant was found guilty of first degree murder.<br /><br />That said, the food was as good as the owner's views on capital punishment have been and may still be misguided. See www.deathpenaltyinfo.org. A Jefferson Parish jury recently voted to sentence Patrick Kennedy to death for child rape. Cruel and unusual punishment! you cry? Well, old Patrick was thinking the same thing, and so he took his Eighth Amendment challenge right up to the U.S. Supreme Court. Another Kennedy, Justice Anthony, wrote the decision for the court saying that Patrick was right. Cool. Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal acted mad but probably was secretly proud that the state played such an integral role in making extra-double sure the U.S. is no longer the only Western democracy with the death penalty for rape.<br /><br />So let's get down to brass tacks. The vegetarian soft spring rolls are filled with fresh cilantro and come with the best peanut sauce in the city. Order the pho xau do chay (mixed vegetables with tofu and gluten and pan fried rice noodles), blow on it, then pour directly into your mouth. kittee and I have stabbed each other repeatedly with our forks trying to get fried noodles off each other's plates and would've shot each other except this is Louisiana, and, well, we don't want to wake up one day with Angola warden Burl Cain standing over us with the tiny boner he always gets in the execution chamber when it's lethal injection time. But I digress. Pho Tau Bay gets in on the po-boy action with the vegan banh mi chay, starring fried tofu and dressed with julienne carrots, Chinese radish, onions, cucumbers, and "HOT!!!" (note the three exclamation points, gringos) peppers. I've only ever had something like this in Montreal and Portland, and I don't think I'm talkin out my ass when I say I'm sure it's good here. Lots of folks rave about the soup rau chay, a.k.a., vegetarian soup, but kittee doesn't like it. kittee insists I don't like it either, but I want to give it another try. We both like the many weird desserts, and there are far too many beverages to get into here. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-73401327555633285332009-09-13T14:53:00.000-07:002009-09-13T14:54:05.330-07:00Kim Son<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">349 Whitney Ave., Gretna, 366-2489 (LD)<br /><br />When kittee walks in this place, she must have the same kind of buzz Bush was sportin' when he snuck into Iraq that one Tofurkey Day. The vegetarian page on the menu is long on pretty tasty morsels. kittee has a bone for the sweet-and-sour chicken, which couldn't be more deep fried. I'd be generally wary of the other chicken, gluten, and bean cake offerings on the left side of the vegetarian page. Stick with the right side, especially the Bean Cake w/ Black Pepper and the Bean Cake w/ Curry & Coconut Sauce in Clay Pot. And you'd be a crazy coo-coo lunatic not to get the Vegetarian Salad, which is packed with fried tofu in a light sweet and sour sauce on a bed of cabbage. Extra bonus for the vegan fellas: to use the urinal, you have to stand on an angled board that triggers constant flushing. It's funky smelling, fun and hygienic all at the same time! </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-30046452052132932082009-09-13T14:52:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:11:01.446-07:00Jazmine Cafe<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">614 S. Carrollton Ave., 866-9301 (LD)<br /><br />Pack yourself into some St. Charles streetcar and get off when it starts to turn up Carrollton. The waitstaff was insanely, touchingly eager to please, and what I ate made me glad that George Bush gave me my $3.00 tax refund or whatever it was (remember that? no, me neither) because it went a long way toward purchasing the best gol-dang spring rolls in the city. The rice paper wrapper was soft and pliable unlike the slightly drier, stiffer version you get most anywhere else, and the roll was ridiculously full of juicy avocado. The seaweed salad is a beautiful thing, too. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-44079136687967315402009-09-13T14:50:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:11:25.648-07:00Frosty's<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">3400 Cleary Ave., Metairie, 888-9600; 2800 Manhattan Blvd., Suite B, Harvey, 361-9099 (LD)<br /><br />Frosty's bubble tea is the messiah. In the future, we will all pray to Frosty's bubble tea and kill people of other cultures in its name. Frosty's has all kinds of crazy fresh fruit, and you get soy milk, not powder to float your bubbles in. I think the sauce for the spring rolls suck big ass, but kittee is into 'em. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-56806219682774684572009-09-13T14:49:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:12:06.656-07:00Sukho Thai<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">1913 Royal St., 948-9309 (LD)<br /><br />A bit snobby, but the cooks know what they're doing when they start slinging the coconut milk. If you're a pretentious tea-loving fuck, well, son, I do believe you're in the right place. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-62790716575087317762009-09-13T14:47:00.000-07:002009-09-13T14:49:12.863-07:00Sing Ha Thai Cafe<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;"><b><b><b><b><b></b></b></b></b></b></span>413 Carondelet St., 581-2205 (L and early D)<br /><p><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;"> The CBDers love this place. They're in denial. The pad thai is mediocre, but you can get it vegan with tofu. </span></p>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-14410510984551051052009-09-13T14:39:00.000-07:002009-09-13T14:42:28.555-07:00Rocky's Gourmet Pizzeria<p> <span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">If I had a nipple for every time . . . oh, fuck, I've used this metaphor already. Okay, those stinkin' non-vegans, they never shut up about it: "Pizza without cheese? What's the point?" Well, you might ask yourself a complementary question: "Pizza in New Orleans? What's the point?" If you've come here for the pizza, I say, get ready for some punishment, Monsieur Masochist. Nevertheless, this is one of kittee's favorite foods, so we regularly brave the bullets whizzing by, the drunk drivers busting through red lights (in New Orleans, just so you know, it doesn't matter if the light is green, yellow, red, or white, non-Hispanic -- you call it a red light), and the Palmetto bugs the size of Ron Jeremy's member in search of what we know will be underachieving dough-sauce-vegetable food. But you know what, it doesn't even matter, brother, New Orleans is still the greatest, grandest city in the world! At least that's what New Orleanians think. The real question is what should a painter paint. The thing which one can't locate. That's what Mr. Jasper says anyway.<br /></span></p><span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">Rocky's Gourmet Pizzeria, 3222 Magazine St., 891-5152 (LD)<br /><br />Our New York pizza snob friend Mr. Billy likes to say, If you want some good matzo, go to Rocky's. Well, the whole wheat crust that we get is a bit on the er, um, crackery side, to put it politely, but this is still our favorite pizza parlor, and it can be yours, too. Here's what you do. Order a Big Al's Roasted Garlic or a Farmer's Market with the red sauce. If you don't specify the red sauce, you may end up with the non-vegan white sauce or no sauce at all. Tell 'em to hold all the cheese--mozzarella, feta, all of it--and substitute olive salad (pickled olives, carrots, cauliflower and spices in oil). Then mow down that pizza and guzzle a glass or pitcher of one of the many varieties of the fine local Abita beer. If you're getting poorer while The Man gets richer--or even if you are The Man-- remember that all food tastes better after you don't eat for two days.</span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5034733779569350186.post-16260214858133103282009-09-13T14:17:00.000-07:002009-09-13T15:13:05.110-07:00Any taco truck<span style="font-family:Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular;">(LD)<br /><br />One of the things that white New Orleanians like to lick their own balls about (and yes, I mean the women, too) is how wonderfully goddamn nice it is that their city is so fucking diverse.<br /><br />Cut to the Uptown cultural sensitivity store:<br />White New Orleans woman: "Hmm, honey, what kind of wallpaper should we choose?"<br />White New Orleans man: "Oh, Jesus. I can't decide between the black-man-shooting-another-black-man or the second-line theme."<br />White New Orleans woman: "I love it when we congratulate ourselves."<br />White New Orleans man: "Wow, I am feeling guilty about my skin privilege."<br />White New Orleans woman: "Thanks for ruining it, jerk."<br /><br />What a beautiful tale. And now there's yet another flavor in the gumbo.<br /><br />That's right: It's Spanglish time on wheels all over New Orleans! Beware the tacos de cabeza y de lengua. Just say, Me gustaria una horchata, and you'll be ok. </span>dazeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04754361201156779592noreply@blogger.com0