Vanilla, with 50 Gallons of Blood

Sir David Frost here. Dazee had to go to the restroom and sit on a stool, so he asked me to fill in for him this week.

People ask me, Sir David Frost, what is your most memorable interview? Nixon? John and Yoko? The Queen of fucking England? You interviewing yourself as a baby? Ga ga goo goo?

The answer is, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But remember this one, from the 20th century, with vegan painter A. Mitchell Long?

Frost: Are you vegan?

Long: Actually, when I go to the bathroom it’s vegan, but when I eat, it’s only meat. Don’t put that in the interview. My mom might see it.

F: How long have you been vegan?

L: I don’t know. Go talk to Einstein. I’d say 2 feet.

F: Did anyone hear it when you went vegan?

L: Those guys [unintelligible]. Sorry. You shouldn’t put that in. I’ll get beat up.

F: Are you mad that Obama was watching his daughters grow up when the big gusher got on that one oyster?

L: Daniel Day Lewis describes it perfectly about the oil in In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It’s one of best movies I’ve ever seen about killing someone with a noose on an oil rig. I’m like, capital punishment on an oil rig: This is great. Daniel Day Lewis

F: What’s your favorite flavor of vegan milkshake when you’re putting a bowling pin on someone’s head?

L: Vanilla with 50 gallons of blood spilled all over it. Is it vegan if you spill the blood of the guy you hit over the head with a bowling pin? Don’t tell my mom about this article because she’ll find out I smoke cigarettes.

I take the 5th on the next one and the next after that, so you gotta go to the next one after that

So are girlfriend problems vegan? That’s my question. I always thought it was the opposite of veganism, which is world peace. But don’t put that down – Kittee will kill me.

F: If you get a hair in your tooth, is that vegan?

L: The waiter says no and punches me in the mouth. Hey, Hemingway, the waiter punched me in the mouth for having a hair in my tooth! Now I’m going to my orthodontist for the hair in the tooth.

F: Is it vegan if it smells like fish?

L: That’s a gross question.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the Coke in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: Fish make Coke. Don’t quote me on that, and don’t tell Atlanta I said that or that city’s gonna kick my ass.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the vinegar and water in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: It is a new movement in California, and I’m opposed to it.

F: You lived right down the street from Alex Chilton, right?

L: Yeah.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe was really sad when Alex Chilton died?

L: I saw Michael Stipe at a Patti Smith concert. He sang a little bit. He sang “Happy Days Are Here Again.” He thinks he’s gonna be more famous because he’s not as good.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe should’ve paid for a new heart for Alex Chilton?

L: Yeah. I think Michael Stipe should rip out his heart and then bounce it.

F: Did you hear that Michael Stipe wrote a check to buy a new heart for Alex Chilton but it bounced?

L: That’s disgusting. Next question, please.

F: What’s your next album gonna be like?

L: I’ve been working with Alex Chilton lately in my apartment, and he smells bad, but don’t write that down. Alex Chilton fans are gonna kick my ass for making fun of him.

F: Do you think Alex Chilton was proud that he lived in Treme?

L: I don’t know, let’s ask him. He was always a man of few words, so you’ll probably get the same answer as you would have 2-3 months ago.

F: Do you think Dave Cash is a good vegan?

L: I like what he did in Folsom Prison. Of course, he eats huge slabs of cow.

F: Do you think your mother would find what you’re saying to be funny right now?

L: Don’t repeat what I just said. Don’t let my mom hear about this article. I better go change my underwear.

F: Do you think your mother would think it’s funny if I asked her to ask you to ask her how many times she changed your twin brother’s diaper? Did you know your twin brother got his diaper changed by your mom?

L: I put on a new fresh set of underwear. Now it’s time to put on a third underwear.

F: Mind if I put you on speaker phone?

L: Yeah, all right. By the way I’m in my studio.

F: What are you doing?

L: Finishing up a frame. I have a show coming up next week.

F: Where?

L: Houma, Louisiana.

F: Do you think there will be a Houma in Houma next week?

L: [Wind breaking up sound] because my mom will be really mad at me.

F: What are you doing for your show?

L: It’s just like landscapes. It’s all landscapes. Most are neutral ground looking out Esplanade Avenue, kind of a panorama, like trees and architecture, stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. It’s really windy here.

F: Did the wind get in your paintings?

L: No, but there have been problems with leakage. [Screaming noises] I’m very proud of my underpants on a stool in my underwear.

F: Have you ever done that joke when you pull the stool out from someone’s underpants?

L: That’s why i really like being a vegan. I think kittee has a nice recipe for that.