Sir David Frost here. Dazee had to go to the restroom and sit on a stool, so he asked me to fill in for him this week.
People ask me, Sir David Frost, what is your most memorable interview? Nixon? John and Yoko? The Queen of fucking England? You interviewing yourself as a baby? Ga ga goo goo?
The answer is, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But remember this one, from the 20th century, with vegan painter A. Mitchell Long?
Frost: Are you vegan?
Long: Actually, when I go to the bathroom it’s vegan, but when I eat, it’s only meat. Don’t put that in the interview. My mom might see it.
F: How long have you been vegan?
L: I don’t know. Go talk to Einstein. I’d say 2 feet.
F: Did anyone hear it when you went vegan?
L: Those guys [unintelligible]. Sorry. You shouldn’t put that in. I’ll get beat up.
F: Are you mad that Obama was watching his daughters grow up when the big gusher got on that one oyster?
L: Daniel Day Lewis describes it perfectly about the oil in In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It’s one of best movies I’ve ever seen about killing someone with a noose on an oil rig. I’m like, capital punishment on an oil rig: This is great. Daniel Day Lewis
F: What’s your favorite flavor of vegan milkshake when you’re putting a bowling pin on someone’s head?
L: Vanilla with 50 gallons of blood spilled all over it. Is it vegan if you spill the blood of the guy you hit over the head with a bowling pin? Don’t tell my mom about this article because she’ll find out I smoke cigarettes.
I take the 5th on the next one and the next after that, so you gotta go to the next one after that
So are girlfriend problems vegan? That’s my question. I always thought it was the opposite of veganism, which is world peace. But don’t put that down – Kittee will kill me.
F: If you get a hair in your tooth, is that vegan?
L: The waiter says no and punches me in the mouth. Hey, Hemingway, the waiter punched me in the mouth for having a hair in my tooth! Now I’m going to my orthodontist for the hair in the tooth.
F: Is it vegan if it smells like fish?
L: That’s a gross question.
F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the Coke in the world with all the fish in the world?
L: Fish make Coke. Don’t quote me on that, and don’t tell Atlanta I said that or that city’s gonna kick my ass.
F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the vinegar and water in the world with all the fish in the world?
L: It is a new movement in California, and I’m opposed to it.
F: You lived right down the street from Alex Chilton, right?
L: Yeah.
F: Do you think Michael Stipe was really sad when Alex Chilton died?
L: I saw Michael Stipe at a Patti Smith concert. He sang a little bit. He sang “Happy Days Are Here Again.” He thinks he’s gonna be more famous because he’s not as good.
F: Do you think Michael Stipe should’ve paid for a new heart for Alex Chilton?
L: Yeah. I think Michael Stipe should rip out his heart and then bounce it.
F: Did you hear that Michael Stipe wrote a check to buy a new heart for Alex Chilton but it bounced?
L: That’s disgusting. Next question, please.
F: What’s your next album gonna be like?
L: I’ve been working with Alex Chilton lately in my apartment, and he smells bad, but don’t write that down. Alex Chilton fans are gonna kick my ass for making fun of him.
F: Do you think Alex Chilton was proud that he lived in Treme?
L: I don’t know, let’s ask him. He was always a man of few words, so you’ll probably get the same answer as you would have 2-3 months ago.
F: Do you think Dave Cash is a good vegan?
L: I like what he did in Folsom Prison. Of course, he eats huge slabs of cow.
F: Do you think your mother would find what you’re saying to be funny right now?
L: Don’t repeat what I just said. Don’t let my mom hear about this article. I better go change my underwear.
F: Do you think your mother would think it’s funny if I asked her to ask you to ask her how many times she changed your twin brother’s diaper? Did you know your twin brother got his diaper changed by your mom?
L: I put on a new fresh set of underwear. Now it’s time to put on a third underwear.
F: Mind if I put you on speaker phone?
L: Yeah, all right. By the way I’m in my studio.
F: What are you doing?
L: Finishing up a frame. I have a show coming up next week.
F: Where?
L: Houma, Louisiana.
F: Do you think there will be a Houma in Houma next week?
L: [Wind breaking up sound] because my mom will be really mad at me.
F: What are you doing for your show?
L: It’s just like landscapes. It’s all landscapes. Most are neutral ground looking out Esplanade Avenue, kind of a panorama, like trees and architecture, stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. It’s really windy here.
F: Did the wind get in your paintings?
L: No, but there have been problems with leakage. [Screaming noises] I’m very proud of my underpants on a stool in my underwear.
F: Have you ever done that joke when you pull the stool out from someone’s underpants?
L: That’s why i really like being a vegan. I think kittee has a nice recipe for that.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Murder
Very exciting: I was browsing The New Yorker online and came across the headline "Scratch and Crow." I got a chill: That's the name of one of my old friend Helen Hill's films. And as the story revealed, it's now in the Library of Congress' National Film Archive.
Two other things you should know about Helen:
1. She was so sweet; when you were around her, she just kind of bathed you in calm -- as a person who's coo-coo in the brain, I particularly appreciated this, but who wouldn't?
2. She was murdered in New Orleans 3 years ago this week. It's not clear exactly what happened, but the story that most people seem to have settled on is that early in the morning, Helen opened her back door to let her pet pig Rosie out, and just then, someone escaping from another crime burst in and shot her.
At the time, we all talked about why this had happened to Helen and what it meant. Maybe she just got caught in the crossfire, like a baby catching a bullet in a drive-by. Or maybe it was because people are more likely to be murdered in New Orleans than in any other city in the U.S. Living in New Orleans certainly didn't help her chances, that's for sure.
Helen's murder got national attention. And then people started to say that if she wasn't white, a talented filmmaker with a degree from Harvard, her killing would've been stuck on page 3 of the Metro section. Almost certainly true.
Right after Helen was killed, I had held out hope that some big change would take place. After all, thousands of people marched up to City Hall and demanded action. Yet nothing has really happened. Young black men continued to be gunned down. In 2008, 179 people murdered. No. 1 in the country. In 2009, at least 171. Again, probably No. 1.
As the fresh pain of Helen's death receded, I would sometimes walk around New Orleans and think about what it meant to live in a place that put such a small value on people's lives. You would think that on the list of a city's priorities, this would be at the top. But New Orleans has decided the highest murder rate is an acceptable enough attribute for a city.
For a while in New Orleans, it was popular to put up a sign in your window that said "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Then those were replaced with the slogan "Enough!" The last I saw, even those signs were fading away, as if people had just sort of sighed and given up.
I know I did. I did my best, but finally I couldn't take it anymore. For these and other reasons, I moved away.
New Orleans has another chance in 2010. It will have a new mayor. Maybe it will have a Super Bowl champion. I wish I could say there was hope that at the end of the year, a hundred and seventy or so fresh corpses won't be settling in in the pretty above-ground tombs that New Orleans takes such pride in and which tourists the world over visit. I think we all know better.
Two other things you should know about Helen:
1. She was so sweet; when you were around her, she just kind of bathed you in calm -- as a person who's coo-coo in the brain, I particularly appreciated this, but who wouldn't?
2. She was murdered in New Orleans 3 years ago this week. It's not clear exactly what happened, but the story that most people seem to have settled on is that early in the morning, Helen opened her back door to let her pet pig Rosie out, and just then, someone escaping from another crime burst in and shot her.
At the time, we all talked about why this had happened to Helen and what it meant. Maybe she just got caught in the crossfire, like a baby catching a bullet in a drive-by. Or maybe it was because people are more likely to be murdered in New Orleans than in any other city in the U.S. Living in New Orleans certainly didn't help her chances, that's for sure.
Helen's murder got national attention. And then people started to say that if she wasn't white, a talented filmmaker with a degree from Harvard, her killing would've been stuck on page 3 of the Metro section. Almost certainly true.
Right after Helen was killed, I had held out hope that some big change would take place. After all, thousands of people marched up to City Hall and demanded action. Yet nothing has really happened. Young black men continued to be gunned down. In 2008, 179 people murdered. No. 1 in the country. In 2009, at least 171. Again, probably No. 1.
As the fresh pain of Helen's death receded, I would sometimes walk around New Orleans and think about what it meant to live in a place that put such a small value on people's lives. You would think that on the list of a city's priorities, this would be at the top. But New Orleans has decided the highest murder rate is an acceptable enough attribute for a city.
For a while in New Orleans, it was popular to put up a sign in your window that said "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Then those were replaced with the slogan "Enough!" The last I saw, even those signs were fading away, as if people had just sort of sighed and given up.
I know I did. I did my best, but finally I couldn't take it anymore. For these and other reasons, I moved away.
New Orleans has another chance in 2010. It will have a new mayor. Maybe it will have a Super Bowl champion. I wish I could say there was hope that at the end of the year, a hundred and seventy or so fresh corpses won't be settling in in the pretty above-ground tombs that New Orleans takes such pride in and which tourists the world over visit. I think we all know better.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
A. Mitchell Long: That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap
By Dazee
Legal Affairs Correspondent
I was looking at youtube today and came across this October 26, 1966 Dick Cavett interview with New Orleans painter and vegan dabbler A. Mitchell Long. This was in the early days of Vegan Mofo. I know it’s not Vegan Mofo 2009 anymore, but at least the interview was done during a Vegan Mofo. But no more rationalizations. I liked the back and forth between these two so much, I reprint the transcript of selected portions of the program:
Cavett: A. Mitchell Long, goddamn fucking fantastic to see you again. Fucking fantastic, man. What did you paint today?
Long: I didn’t paint today.
Cavett: What did you wear today?
Long: Camouflage
Cavett: Do you ever wear camouflage when you paint?
Long: While painting? No.
Cavett: Do you ever do preparatory paintings?
Long: Doing something like a sketch or something? I paint directly from life, and then I go back to the same spot over and over so it’s like a constant preparatory of the motif. That’s sort of like how Monet and Claude Lorraine say to get to know a motif: you have to go and just study it.
Claude Lorraine was before Monet, so Monet definitely looked at Turner and Lorraine. Claude Lorraine goes by Claude. But he did drawings. Everyting Claude Lorraine painted was in the studio. Back then, people didn’t use oil paints. They just mixed it in the studio with the power pigments.
* * *
Cavett: Did you eat any vegan food today?
Long: Today I had oats for breakfast, and then I had spaghetti with tomato sauce. The tomato sauce had tomato sauce, garlic, cilantro and olive oil and little wok oil in it. The pasta wasn’t vegan.
I started off vegan, and then I became spaghetti legs. But I was a vegetarian today, so that was good.
Cavett: Let’s talk about a rather troubling incident you recently underwent that has affected you very profoundly.
Long: My dog ran after another dog, and then the master of the other dog hit him on the head. That wasn’t vegan of him or me, letting the dog get after the other dog.
Cavett: Getting back to the spaghetti, are you sure it wasn’t vegan?
Long: I don’t know. It has a little sodium, 100% semolina. Minus 1% satisfaction guaranteed. It contains wheat ingredients and folic acid. Frolicking in the acid, I mean folic acid. It’s like the ’60s, frolicking in the acid
So the spaghetti was vegan. You should have a vegan rabbi for veganism and vegan circumcision, except women would be circumcised. Don’t tell my parents I said that, or I’ll have cancer.
***
Cavett: How big have your latest paintings been?
Long: I’ve been doing these paintings that are fairly big, 10" by 40". I painted in the Lower 9th Ward. I’m figuring out the difference between the 9th Ward and the lower 9th Ward. The lower 9th Ward is going back in time, farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. It’s so vegan. I don’t even feel like eating meat out there.
Cavett: You say there’s farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. That’s all very nice, Mitch. But all kidding aside, how is the Lower 9th Ward really? Have any of the hospitals returned since the levee failures?
Long: I wish they had because I stepped in an ant pile. Wow, I said, I stepped in an antpile; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in that second. I said, Golly gee willickers. I put neosporin on it. Is neosporin vegan? I said, I’m one bad ass m.f. I’m not gonna say that word or my mom will really kick my butt. So the next day, I was, like, Gee wiz, these bumps are coming back. Then the next day, the ants popped out. How do you get rid of them?
Put oatmeal on them? When I’m chain smoking, put the cigarettes on them? Don’t tell my parents I said that.
***
Cavett: You’ve eaten at some pretty great restaurants in your life. Haven’t you? Haven’t you?
Long: I wish I could give you a restaurant review, but I haven’t been to any restaurants lately. Oh, I did have some sliced pizza. It was all right.
Cavett: From a restaurant?
Long: Yeah, it was from Slice. Nothing special, but not terrible. Most pizza in New Orleans is terrible. They should brick-oven fried chicken and deep-fry pizza. But don’t tell my parents I said that.
Cavett: Did you feel zen when you were eating pizza?
Long: Zen is there. There is no feeling zen, whether you look at it or not. One foot in the cradle, one foot in the casket, that’s what I always say. Breathe in, breathe out. Pull out the pacifier, put in the breathing tube, that’s what I always say.
Hey, are pacifiers vegan?
Cavett: Yeah.
Long: How about 100% meat pacifiers?
Cavett: No.
Long: How about a hot dog pacifier?
Cavett: If it’s a vegan hot dog.
***
Long: I bought a can opener today for a dollar-sixty. Is that vegan?
Cavett: Yeah. Where did you put it?
Long: Just in the drawer. I bought it down at Canseco’s, a little grocery store in New Orleans, La.
Cavett: Have you put it on any cans?
Long: No. That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap. It’s called Good Cook, so all you vegans, if you buy Good Cook, you’re buying a piece of shit.
Cavett: Is your art commercial?
Long: My art? I want people to like it. I just read an article in the New York Times about how Thelonious Monk really wanted him to have a hit, and everyone thinks of him as being a spiritual type musician. In actuality, he really wanted to make money off his stuff. There’s integrity in my work, but I also want people to like it. I’d like to make some money off it, and I also want people to like it and buy it for big dollars, big pesos and dollars and deutschemarks. I want to rake those things into the wheelbarrow.
***
Long: When a dog barks, is that vegan?
Cavett: Yeah
Long: How about when a dog bites your leg?
Cavett: Yes.
Long: How about when the dog eats the master?
Cavett: Yeah.
Long: How about when you write about a vegan interview?
Cavett: Yeah. Did you eat commercial today?
Long: No, not at all. No, wait a second. I would say eating commercial would be eating anything out. I had 3 shots of espresso in Fair Grinds. That’s not really eating commercial. Sometimes I eat a commercial on TV. I just eat it. That’s the most zen thing I’ve ever done. Then you get fat, and you go to Eating Anonymous, and you eat all the McDonald’s commercials. Warhol used to eat commercials too much. Then he got shot by Valerie Solanis. Poor Valerie. She wasn’t vegan at all.
Legal Affairs Correspondent
I was looking at youtube today and came across this October 26, 1966 Dick Cavett interview with New Orleans painter and vegan dabbler A. Mitchell Long. This was in the early days of Vegan Mofo. I know it’s not Vegan Mofo 2009 anymore, but at least the interview was done during a Vegan Mofo. But no more rationalizations. I liked the back and forth between these two so much, I reprint the transcript of selected portions of the program:
Cavett: A. Mitchell Long, goddamn fucking fantastic to see you again. Fucking fantastic, man. What did you paint today?
Long: I didn’t paint today.
Cavett: What did you wear today?
Long: Camouflage
Cavett: Do you ever wear camouflage when you paint?
Long: While painting? No.
Cavett: Do you ever do preparatory paintings?
Long: Doing something like a sketch or something? I paint directly from life, and then I go back to the same spot over and over so it’s like a constant preparatory of the motif. That’s sort of like how Monet and Claude Lorraine say to get to know a motif: you have to go and just study it.
Claude Lorraine was before Monet, so Monet definitely looked at Turner and Lorraine. Claude Lorraine goes by Claude. But he did drawings. Everyting Claude Lorraine painted was in the studio. Back then, people didn’t use oil paints. They just mixed it in the studio with the power pigments.
* * *
Cavett: Did you eat any vegan food today?
Long: Today I had oats for breakfast, and then I had spaghetti with tomato sauce. The tomato sauce had tomato sauce, garlic, cilantro and olive oil and little wok oil in it. The pasta wasn’t vegan.
I started off vegan, and then I became spaghetti legs. But I was a vegetarian today, so that was good.
Cavett: Let’s talk about a rather troubling incident you recently underwent that has affected you very profoundly.
Long: My dog ran after another dog, and then the master of the other dog hit him on the head. That wasn’t vegan of him or me, letting the dog get after the other dog.
Cavett: Getting back to the spaghetti, are you sure it wasn’t vegan?
Long: I don’t know. It has a little sodium, 100% semolina. Minus 1% satisfaction guaranteed. It contains wheat ingredients and folic acid. Frolicking in the acid, I mean folic acid. It’s like the ’60s, frolicking in the acid
So the spaghetti was vegan. You should have a vegan rabbi for veganism and vegan circumcision, except women would be circumcised. Don’t tell my parents I said that, or I’ll have cancer.
***
Cavett: How big have your latest paintings been?
Long: I’ve been doing these paintings that are fairly big, 10" by 40". I painted in the Lower 9th Ward. I’m figuring out the difference between the 9th Ward and the lower 9th Ward. The lower 9th Ward is going back in time, farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. It’s so vegan. I don’t even feel like eating meat out there.
Cavett: You say there’s farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. That’s all very nice, Mitch. But all kidding aside, how is the Lower 9th Ward really? Have any of the hospitals returned since the levee failures?
Long: I wish they had because I stepped in an ant pile. Wow, I said, I stepped in an antpile; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in that second. I said, Golly gee willickers. I put neosporin on it. Is neosporin vegan? I said, I’m one bad ass m.f. I’m not gonna say that word or my mom will really kick my butt. So the next day, I was, like, Gee wiz, these bumps are coming back. Then the next day, the ants popped out. How do you get rid of them?
Put oatmeal on them? When I’m chain smoking, put the cigarettes on them? Don’t tell my parents I said that.
***
Cavett: You’ve eaten at some pretty great restaurants in your life. Haven’t you? Haven’t you?
Long: I wish I could give you a restaurant review, but I haven’t been to any restaurants lately. Oh, I did have some sliced pizza. It was all right.
Cavett: From a restaurant?
Long: Yeah, it was from Slice. Nothing special, but not terrible. Most pizza in New Orleans is terrible. They should brick-oven fried chicken and deep-fry pizza. But don’t tell my parents I said that.
Cavett: Did you feel zen when you were eating pizza?
Long: Zen is there. There is no feeling zen, whether you look at it or not. One foot in the cradle, one foot in the casket, that’s what I always say. Breathe in, breathe out. Pull out the pacifier, put in the breathing tube, that’s what I always say.
Hey, are pacifiers vegan?
Cavett: Yeah.
Long: How about 100% meat pacifiers?
Cavett: No.
Long: How about a hot dog pacifier?
Cavett: If it’s a vegan hot dog.
***
Long: I bought a can opener today for a dollar-sixty. Is that vegan?
Cavett: Yeah. Where did you put it?
Long: Just in the drawer. I bought it down at Canseco’s, a little grocery store in New Orleans, La.
Cavett: Have you put it on any cans?
Long: No. That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap. It’s called Good Cook, so all you vegans, if you buy Good Cook, you’re buying a piece of shit.
Cavett: Is your art commercial?
Long: My art? I want people to like it. I just read an article in the New York Times about how Thelonious Monk really wanted him to have a hit, and everyone thinks of him as being a spiritual type musician. In actuality, he really wanted to make money off his stuff. There’s integrity in my work, but I also want people to like it. I’d like to make some money off it, and I also want people to like it and buy it for big dollars, big pesos and dollars and deutschemarks. I want to rake those things into the wheelbarrow.
***
Long: When a dog barks, is that vegan?
Cavett: Yeah
Long: How about when a dog bites your leg?
Cavett: Yes.
Long: How about when the dog eats the master?
Cavett: Yeah.
Long: How about when you write about a vegan interview?
Cavett: Yeah. Did you eat commercial today?
Long: No, not at all. No, wait a second. I would say eating commercial would be eating anything out. I had 3 shots of espresso in Fair Grinds. That’s not really eating commercial. Sometimes I eat a commercial on TV. I just eat it. That’s the most zen thing I’ve ever done. Then you get fat, and you go to Eating Anonymous, and you eat all the McDonald’s commercials. Warhol used to eat commercials too much. Then he got shot by Valerie Solanis. Poor Valerie. She wasn’t vegan at all.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
It's sad Wayne's going behind bars
Wayne's my favorite rapper. Guns bad. But America worse, for putting so many people in jails, prisons, what-have-you.
I found it interesting that after the judge said he wouldn't be able to withdraw his guilty plea, Wayne responded he wasn't one of those people. Now I'm not licensed in New York, I haven't practiced criminal law in several years, I don't know if the reporter mis-reported something, I don't know what else was said during the rearraignment, and there may have been some legit reason for Wayne to say that.
But if Wayne was suggesting that a person is per se morally deficient or two-faced for withdrawing his plea, I'm here to say that's not necessarily the case -- where I've practiced, at least. Disclaimer: Nothing here is meant to be legal advice. If you need legal advice, see a lawyer.
Depending on the situation, there may be a perfectly valid reason for withdrawing a guilty plea. But if a NY attorney wants to tell me I'm wrong about any of this, please do.
I found it interesting that after the judge said he wouldn't be able to withdraw his guilty plea, Wayne responded he wasn't one of those people. Now I'm not licensed in New York, I haven't practiced criminal law in several years, I don't know if the reporter mis-reported something, I don't know what else was said during the rearraignment, and there may have been some legit reason for Wayne to say that.
But if Wayne was suggesting that a person is per se morally deficient or two-faced for withdrawing his plea, I'm here to say that's not necessarily the case -- where I've practiced, at least. Disclaimer: Nothing here is meant to be legal advice. If you need legal advice, see a lawyer.
Depending on the situation, there may be a perfectly valid reason for withdrawing a guilty plea. But if a NY attorney wants to tell me I'm wrong about any of this, please do.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Vegan Mofo: Vegan American Might as Well Be a Caveperson's Cuisine
The vegan American cuisine is about 50 years old and, in some ways, created from whole cloth. Compare that to other cuisines around the world, which have evolutionized over thousands of years and have developed from an extended, indigenous collective wisdom.
On the one hand, you have a baby cuisine still struggling to figure out what it is. There are odd permutations, such as Healthy Vegan (unseasoned black beans, rice, kale), Facsimile Vegan (a soy bean is an egg, a soy bean is beef, etc.), and Junk Vegan (cupcakes and jerky). Unfortunately, vegan American has also grown up in a vicious corporate culture that in many ways plays the improper role of greedy manipulator, not helpful facilitator, of what those who choose vegan American should be eating.
The vegan American cuisine is also victimized by its understandable emphasis on the analogue. For example, the overwhelming percentage of eaters of this cuisine grew up eating non-vegan food and developed their sense of comfort and palate from this. They then try to re-create it in vegan form.
For example, compare scrambled eggs to tofu scramble. The nutritional profiles are radically different, as are the tastes. No doubt, it's better in many ways to eat tofu than eggs, but certainly not in all ways. For instance, how does tofu scramble, when combined with hash browns and toast physically affect a person compared to scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast? What kinds of chemical phenomena are set off when you combine eggs with those things versus when you combine tofu with those things? Certainly, both eggs and tofu contain protein, but they contain myriad other chemicals and create obviously different reactions when combined with other food. Is that combination harmful. If so, how? A mature cuisine would have largely worked out these matters.
Maybe tofu is healthier than an egg in most ways. But you can't end the discussion with an either/or fallacy. Is tofu healthy enough? Is it tasty enough? What is it really doing to our bodies and brains? How might it negatively affect our physiology in a way that the egg doesn't?
Traditional cuisines also have mostly developed incrementally through the passing on of flavors and techniques from family member to family member and from combining whole, local materials. American vegans, however, are often the first person in their family to adopt their particular diet. They must get much of their knowledge from the outside world. Their diet is often less borne of patient evolution than of radical invention.
I'm not suggesting eggs are acceptable to eat. I just think that those who eat a vegan American diet should consider how radical of a cuisine this is and think about the implications of eating a cuisine that's in its infancy as opposed to one that's been developed over thousands of years.
On the one hand, you have a baby cuisine still struggling to figure out what it is. There are odd permutations, such as Healthy Vegan (unseasoned black beans, rice, kale), Facsimile Vegan (a soy bean is an egg, a soy bean is beef, etc.), and Junk Vegan (cupcakes and jerky). Unfortunately, vegan American has also grown up in a vicious corporate culture that in many ways plays the improper role of greedy manipulator, not helpful facilitator, of what those who choose vegan American should be eating.
The vegan American cuisine is also victimized by its understandable emphasis on the analogue. For example, the overwhelming percentage of eaters of this cuisine grew up eating non-vegan food and developed their sense of comfort and palate from this. They then try to re-create it in vegan form.
For example, compare scrambled eggs to tofu scramble. The nutritional profiles are radically different, as are the tastes. No doubt, it's better in many ways to eat tofu than eggs, but certainly not in all ways. For instance, how does tofu scramble, when combined with hash browns and toast physically affect a person compared to scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast? What kinds of chemical phenomena are set off when you combine eggs with those things versus when you combine tofu with those things? Certainly, both eggs and tofu contain protein, but they contain myriad other chemicals and create obviously different reactions when combined with other food. Is that combination harmful. If so, how? A mature cuisine would have largely worked out these matters.
Maybe tofu is healthier than an egg in most ways. But you can't end the discussion with an either/or fallacy. Is tofu healthy enough? Is it tasty enough? What is it really doing to our bodies and brains? How might it negatively affect our physiology in a way that the egg doesn't?
Traditional cuisines also have mostly developed incrementally through the passing on of flavors and techniques from family member to family member and from combining whole, local materials. American vegans, however, are often the first person in their family to adopt their particular diet. They must get much of their knowledge from the outside world. Their diet is often less borne of patient evolution than of radical invention.
I'm not suggesting eggs are acceptable to eat. I just think that those who eat a vegan American diet should consider how radical of a cuisine this is and think about the implications of eating a cuisine that's in its infancy as opposed to one that's been developed over thousands of years.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Vegan mofo: Cheese-eating whore
Today I spoke to someone who called herself a cheese-eating whore. I have seen this person eat vegan food, however.
Wow, I've given out so little information about this person. I must really be into privacy or something.
I also was at a food cart behind a person whose ass crack was hanging out. She hitched up her pants and ordered a vegan meal. I congratulated her for doing something to help animals, but what I congratulated her for was not the ordering of a vegan meal.
Wow, I've given out so little information about this person. I must really be into privacy or something.
I also was at a food cart behind a person whose ass crack was hanging out. She hitched up her pants and ordered a vegan meal. I congratulated her for doing something to help animals, but what I congratulated her for was not the ordering of a vegan meal.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Painter A. Mitchell Long: Unhealthy Vegans Have Sex with their Cousins
By Dazee
Vegan Mofo Legal Affairs Correspondent
As Matisse and Picasso looked back on Cezanne as a paternal figure, so shall the best painter in the mid-21st century call A. Mitchell Long his pappy. An occasional vegan, Long is that rarest of artists – a painter’s painter’s painter.
MoFo visited him recently at his imposing studio in Mid City New Orleans. Strauss’ Blue Danube waltz played softly in the background as he “rapped” thoughtfully about two of the greatest "movements" of humankind, veganism and painting, as well as about falling off the macrobiotic wagon. As is his wont, Long pulled no punches and had particularly strong words for vegans who don’t know how to cook.
Q. A. Mitchell Long, do you think vegans are unhealthy?
A. I think some of them are. They look unhealthy to me. Look at the bags under their eyes. Plus they all hang out together. It’s real incestuous. They have sex with their cousins. You seem like you’re pretty healthy. But then Kittee cooks all the time. [Full disclosure: I am caveman. Kittee is cavewoman. Rarrrrrr!] I don’t think people who don’t know how to cook should be vegans.
Q. Do you ever cook vegan?
A. Yeah. I like vegan. If I eat just brown rice, that’s vegan. I like macrobiotic, too. Is raw food vegan? Macrobiotics, you have to cook everything. I think you at least have to blanch it. Or Stella it. Or Stanley Kowalski it.
Q. How do you make rice?
A. Boil it with water and then I do it by eye and pour it in – put it halfway, and then I’ll throw a bunch of stuff on top, you know, to weight it down so it steams and then bring it down to low. Forty-five minutes if it’s brown rice. If there’s still water in it, you keep it going. Then you just turn it off. It’ll soak up the water. My rice is OK.
Q. Is painting vegan?
The old oil paintings aren’t vegan because there’s rabbit-skin glue in them. The new ones are vegetable oil and pigment. But I do use rabbit’s skin glue every once in a while. Now [prominent Young British Artist] Damien Hirst, he took a big shark and stuffed it; that’s not vegan. He took a skull and put diamonds all over it – that’s not vegan. There are also people who put blood all over themselves. That’s not vegan.
Q. Do you ever eat when you’re painting.
A. No. I drink water, smoke a cigarette, maybe. Don’t tell my parents that. Don’t tell my boss that, my boss – God.. . . Dog.
Q. You eat oatmeal, right?
A. Yeah, steel cut oats. That’s another part of that macrobiotic fasting. Boil it. Then stir it. Then it’s creamy. Then bring it down to 1 degree or low or something. Then 30 minutes, and it should be pretty good to go. I throw it in the fridge, then nuke it in a plastic bag, then eat it with my hands.
Q. The New York Times recently reported that you had fallen off the macrobiotic wagon. It caused quite a sensation. We’d like to ask you to set the record straight.
When I ate rice, then broke the macrobiotic fast, I had red beans: it was so tasty. My roommate’s not that good of a cook, and it was so good. There was meat in that. sausage. A big old sausage. I believe in eating every type of diet – macrobiotic, meatatarian, humanitarian. But I don’t believe in cannibalism. So that’s where I draw the line. But who knows? It might be good.
Q. When you were eating rice, what kinds of paintings were you doing?
A. Doing panorama paintings with gesso. I was painting panorama paintings of plein air, directly from vegan.
Q. What was the subject matter of the paintings?
A. I’ve been painting on this spot on the cusp of the French Quarter, these two buildings, one’s called Buffa’s, and the other is Melrose, a B&B. That corner is on Esplanade. Sometimes I’ll have a Red Bull, and I drink a lot of water. Drunk people will come up and comment on my painting. I get some pretty good comments, some good feedback, which is pretty cool. It’s a new thing for me to talk to people. Maybe the brown rice started getting me talking more, like a Socialist.
Q. But back to the painting.
A. I take in a 180-degree composition from life, just like Monet and Cezanne, the Impressionists, squeezing it into panorama format, 4 inches by 20 inches. My friends call it “skinny Long.” My last name is Long. I’m getting skinnier, putting more holes in my belt loop every day. Do you have a drill so I can put more holes in my belt loop? Luckily I’m on the outside of Barnes & Noble, so nobody’s hearing this brilliance.
Q. Speaking of brilliance, tell us a little about your website.
My website, mitchell-long.com, is vegan. I quit putting meat in my website last year. I went completely vegan on my website.
I’ve never painted meat. I had a friend who painted a very beautiful painting of an egg. I’ve painted some stoves. I have a painting of your and kittee’s kitchen. I painted a vegan kitchen. I don’t think it’s on my website. Maybe I’ll put it on there. Maybe I’ll call it “Vegan Kitchen” or “Vegan Kitchen That’s Dazee and Kittee’s” or “Dazee’s Vegan Kitchen and Kittee’s Vegan Kitchen” or “Late Afternoon with Dazee and Kittee’s Kitchen with a Little bit of Syrup on the Table, a Little Molasses, with Rosy Colored Dawn, Pink-fingered Dawn of Kittee and Dazee’s Kitchen.”
The paintings of A. Mitchell Long may be seen at mitchell-long.com.
Vegan Mofo Legal Affairs Correspondent
As Matisse and Picasso looked back on Cezanne as a paternal figure, so shall the best painter in the mid-21st century call A. Mitchell Long his pappy. An occasional vegan, Long is that rarest of artists – a painter’s painter’s painter.
MoFo visited him recently at his imposing studio in Mid City New Orleans. Strauss’ Blue Danube waltz played softly in the background as he “rapped” thoughtfully about two of the greatest "movements" of humankind, veganism and painting, as well as about falling off the macrobiotic wagon. As is his wont, Long pulled no punches and had particularly strong words for vegans who don’t know how to cook.
Q. A. Mitchell Long, do you think vegans are unhealthy?
A. I think some of them are. They look unhealthy to me. Look at the bags under their eyes. Plus they all hang out together. It’s real incestuous. They have sex with their cousins. You seem like you’re pretty healthy. But then Kittee cooks all the time. [Full disclosure: I am caveman. Kittee is cavewoman. Rarrrrrr!] I don’t think people who don’t know how to cook should be vegans.
Q. Do you ever cook vegan?
A. Yeah. I like vegan. If I eat just brown rice, that’s vegan. I like macrobiotic, too. Is raw food vegan? Macrobiotics, you have to cook everything. I think you at least have to blanch it. Or Stella it. Or Stanley Kowalski it.
Q. How do you make rice?
A. Boil it with water and then I do it by eye and pour it in – put it halfway, and then I’ll throw a bunch of stuff on top, you know, to weight it down so it steams and then bring it down to low. Forty-five minutes if it’s brown rice. If there’s still water in it, you keep it going. Then you just turn it off. It’ll soak up the water. My rice is OK.
Q. Is painting vegan?
The old oil paintings aren’t vegan because there’s rabbit-skin glue in them. The new ones are vegetable oil and pigment. But I do use rabbit’s skin glue every once in a while. Now [prominent Young British Artist] Damien Hirst, he took a big shark and stuffed it; that’s not vegan. He took a skull and put diamonds all over it – that’s not vegan. There are also people who put blood all over themselves. That’s not vegan.
Q. Do you ever eat when you’re painting.
A. No. I drink water, smoke a cigarette, maybe. Don’t tell my parents that. Don’t tell my boss that, my boss – God.. . . Dog.
Q. You eat oatmeal, right?
A. Yeah, steel cut oats. That’s another part of that macrobiotic fasting. Boil it. Then stir it. Then it’s creamy. Then bring it down to 1 degree or low or something. Then 30 minutes, and it should be pretty good to go. I throw it in the fridge, then nuke it in a plastic bag, then eat it with my hands.
Q. The New York Times recently reported that you had fallen off the macrobiotic wagon. It caused quite a sensation. We’d like to ask you to set the record straight.
When I ate rice, then broke the macrobiotic fast, I had red beans: it was so tasty. My roommate’s not that good of a cook, and it was so good. There was meat in that. sausage. A big old sausage. I believe in eating every type of diet – macrobiotic, meatatarian, humanitarian. But I don’t believe in cannibalism. So that’s where I draw the line. But who knows? It might be good.
Q. When you were eating rice, what kinds of paintings were you doing?
A. Doing panorama paintings with gesso. I was painting panorama paintings of plein air, directly from vegan.
Q. What was the subject matter of the paintings?
A. I’ve been painting on this spot on the cusp of the French Quarter, these two buildings, one’s called Buffa’s, and the other is Melrose, a B&B. That corner is on Esplanade. Sometimes I’ll have a Red Bull, and I drink a lot of water. Drunk people will come up and comment on my painting. I get some pretty good comments, some good feedback, which is pretty cool. It’s a new thing for me to talk to people. Maybe the brown rice started getting me talking more, like a Socialist.
Q. But back to the painting.
A. I take in a 180-degree composition from life, just like Monet and Cezanne, the Impressionists, squeezing it into panorama format, 4 inches by 20 inches. My friends call it “skinny Long.” My last name is Long. I’m getting skinnier, putting more holes in my belt loop every day. Do you have a drill so I can put more holes in my belt loop? Luckily I’m on the outside of Barnes & Noble, so nobody’s hearing this brilliance.
Q. Speaking of brilliance, tell us a little about your website.
My website, mitchell-long.com, is vegan. I quit putting meat in my website last year. I went completely vegan on my website.
I’ve never painted meat. I had a friend who painted a very beautiful painting of an egg. I’ve painted some stoves. I have a painting of your and kittee’s kitchen. I painted a vegan kitchen. I don’t think it’s on my website. Maybe I’ll put it on there. Maybe I’ll call it “Vegan Kitchen” or “Vegan Kitchen That’s Dazee and Kittee’s” or “Dazee’s Vegan Kitchen and Kittee’s Vegan Kitchen” or “Late Afternoon with Dazee and Kittee’s Kitchen with a Little bit of Syrup on the Table, a Little Molasses, with Rosy Colored Dawn, Pink-fingered Dawn of Kittee and Dazee’s Kitchen.”
The paintings of A. Mitchell Long may be seen at mitchell-long.com.
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