A. Mitchell Long: The Playboy Interview

The year 2012 is shaping up to be the best yet for painter A. Mitchell Long.  More plein air!  More changing light!  More colors!  Long, as you may know, paints in and around the exciting city of New Orleans.  You can often see him creating yet another very strong piece while floating in his studio on a hand-made raft in the middle of Bayou St. John.  In January, while painting in Pirate's Alley, an assassin's bullet whizzed by him and struck a donkey pulling some tourists.  He was able to trade the animal's owner a small painting in exchange for fresh donkey meat for a month.  When I sat down with Long recently, he was in an understandably good mood.

A: I heard all schizophrenics all have narcissist mothers, so I've decided I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Q: Wait I'm writing this down.

A: No, don't put that down. What else can we talk about?

Q: Do you think Sean Payton is really Lee Harvey Oswald?

A: If you look at the the fact that after Oswald was shot, they never saw his body afterwards, and then Sean Payton was born . . . well, you do the math. Then Sean Payton was a Dallas coach. Then he became coach of New Orleans where Oswald lived.  What do they say? 1+2=3? That's what I say when I get confused.

Q:

A: So in New Orleans, the t-shirts that are selling the most say Free Sean Payton.

Q: Do you have one?

A: I have women's underwear on that says Free Sean Payton.  Let me put my women's underwear on.

. . .

By the way, I quit smoking cigarettes. I was eating with Joel and my parents. Joel said, "He's doing so much to help himself. He quit smoking." 

I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." I went to the bathroom and climbed out the window.

My mom said, “Where's Mitchell?”

Joel said, "He climbed out the window. Probably smoking crack again."

Q: Does your mom know you're smoking crack again?

A: I told my mom about crack. She said, "Why would you smoke that? Don't you get shit in your mouth?"

Q: Have you ever sat there at an AA meeting listening to someone lie repeatedly, and you just let it go on?

A: I can't talk about this because it's an anonymous program where people try to stop drinking. But I never drank anyway. I used to smoke crack. They call me poo poo platter. The policy at AA is to experience your strength of smell.

Q: Do people at AA smell?

A: Like roses in the springtime.

Q: Complete this sentence: If you heard a rose in the springtime lie at an AA meeting, what would you say?

A: I'd say a rose is a rose is a rose is . . . what's the other word?

Q: Did you know Sean Payton was a scab?

A: A scab?

Q: Yeah.

A: Yeah, he's a scab on the conscience of all of us.

Q: Do you think the Saints should have to give up the first S in their name again because of Sean Payton?

A: Hardy har har har. I think we should wear Ziploc bags this time because we need to zip our mouths. I mean, we have to be transparent, Sean Payton Asshole. 

Q: Do you think the wetlands should have to give up all the trees for one hurricane season?

A: I think the wetlands need to be called the etlands for one year.

Q: Do you have Sean Payton in the pocket?

A: No, I'm just happy to see you.

Q: Doesn't Sean Payton have a house in Dallas?

A: I think he does. [Unintelligible. Wink wink.]

Q: How's the latest heart attack?

A: Yeah, uh, I love me some heart attack. I like to eat hamburgers from meat from heart attack cows. But don't tell Kittee and I said that.

Q: You're speaking from Pirate's Alley?

A: I'm in Orleans and Royal Street. I'm facing the back of St. Louis Cathedral. I'm painting. This is the first one I've done from the back. Wow, your typewriter skills have really improved. I can totally hear it from here.

Q: Are you going to make people care about the back of St. Louis Cathedral?

A: My goal in life is to be a goalie in the life of life.

Q: Have you ever seen Micky Mouse guy strutting down Jackson Square Lane without a care in the world?

A: Yeah, definitely. I love Mickey Mouse guy, but I feel guilty that I love him. And don't tell my mom I said that. I'm gonna have a t-shirt that says, Free Mickey Mouse Guy.

Q: Are you going to say who Mickey Mouse Guy is? Wait, strike that, court reporter. Are you Mickey Mouse? And who is Mickey Mouse?

A: Mickey Mouse is not an animal. Get it? Little David Lynch humor here. That's one of the best jokes ever. I don't care what anyone says. Hey, how's the weather there.

Q: Two suicides out of 5. I mean, 2 mild depressions out of 5. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers out of 5. I mean, 2 mildly depressed lawyers. I mean, 2 unhappy lawyers who you can get to laugh by saying peekaboo out of 5.

A: Hey, what did suicide hotline say to the lawyer?

Q: What?

A: Hold on, we have a hundred more of you on the other line.

Q: Hey, the suicide hotline goes into a bar and says, A hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean.

A: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to the suicide case that already happened?

Q: What?

A: Not enough.

Q: Hey, what did the suicide hotline say to a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A: What?

Q: Too soon.

A: Wait, I got one. What did the suicide guy say to the suicide hotline?

Q: What?

A: You're killing me with that one. I'm not breathing anymore. Oops.

Q: What did the respiratory system say to the lawyer?

A: I remember when it was more popular that dentists did this. Those were the days.

Q: What did a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean having dinner and calling the suicide hotline on their cell phone say to themselves?

A: What did the world's longest joke say?

Q: Hey what did the world's most offensive joke say to the most perfect person?

A: What did Rush Limbaugh say to the lawyer joke?

Q: Hey what did Rush Limbaugh say to old greasy fried chicken cunt?

A: Hey, how many sluts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

R.I.P., B.I.G.

Notorious B.I.G. passed 15 years ago yesterday.  I didn't post because I was in a spiritual ecstasy listening to him. 

Koch Industries, Inc. v. President Obama

Those richie richie right-wang Koch Brothers own the delightful Matador Cattle Company.  [url]http://www.matadorranch.com/[/url].  If you're not into cattle, you can do the following hunts:

Panther Canyon Trophy Hunt
Big Ranch Hunt
Mule Deer
Quail
Dove
Turkey
Predator & Hogs
Combo Hunts

U.S. President Obama, on the other hand, takes Russian President Dmitry Medvedev out and orders two burgers with cheddar cheese for them.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KR4S4ge114.

Medvedev gets sauteed onions and a little bit of jalapeno and some mushrooms.  Well done.  Not red inside. 

Obama: "I'll have some of the sauteed onions."  Obama: Lettuce and tomato.  Medvedev: No lettuce or tomato. 

But uh-oh.  Obama doesn't know if the bread and butter pickles are too sweet for him.  "Is one order of fries big enough for both of us?" he asks.  Look at him wring his hands and fret over the order!

He goes with the large fry.  Not large fries.  A large fry.  He orders Medvedev a large Coke.  He gets an iced tea.  Then he changes Medvedev's burger to medium well.  He doesn't want it "singed."

President Obama then skillfully negotiates paying for the meal, first shooting down Medvedev's offer to pay, then silencing the restaurant staff's offer to give it to him for free. 

It reminds me of the time Kittee and I sat across from ex-President Jimmy Carter and his wife Roslyn Carter at Casamento's, where I've heard they fry in duck fat.  Wow.

Walkin' Back to New Orleans

Actually, I flew back. A couple weeks ago. Sorry, Fats Domino. I'm really sorry, Fats Domino. Don't hate me for flying back to New Orleans. Just don't. And if you don't hate me, I will forgive you for not playing at JazzFest that one year and Lionel Richie came on in your place. Although maybe you were telling the truth that you had some medical condition that prevented you from playing. Actually, Fats Domino, it would be cooler in a way if you just blew it off. I would've admired that "I'm Fats Domino, and I don't give two fucks" attitude.

Since all my restaurant reviews are from the year Zero B.C. and also because we are in Vegan MoFo right now, I thought I'd share my opinions on where to eat in New Orleans if you're a vegan, 2010. The best part about these reviews, though, is they will show you how much I've grown since I left there a year ago. Fascinating.

Tandoori Chicken -- My first stop, in Metairie, where David Duke used to -- and for all I know still does -- iron his robe and hood. Ignore the name Tandoori Chicken, vegans, and get out your fork. Still my favorite restaurant in the New Orleans area. Owner Singh dude cooked me a custom order of saag without paneer. No cream in the dish either, just in my jeans, 'cause it was so goddamned good. What? If you can't cream in your jeans when someone cooks you some tasty Indian greens, then why don't we all just go fuck ourselves in the 1950s or something?

Parkway Bakery & Tavern -- Had two french fry po boys. Now that is some starch. Tell 'em to hold the gravy. And bring your own vegenaise. Which reminds me . . .

I will now take a break to congratulate myself on my unique contribution to veganness -- my commitment to vegan condiments. Because I like po boys so much, and because a po boy isn't shit without a mayonnaise-like substance, I bring my own jar of vegenaise wherever I go. I also bring salt (vegan!) and non-white sugar. I've faced a lot of ridicule, been spit on, etc., for being so vegenaise-centric, but there's nothing like feeling the heft and cool glass of the vegenaise jar in your coat pocket when you're headed to the po boy shop. My only dilemma is whether to put all these great condiments in a holster, a man-purse or a fanny-pack-like dispenser that creepy people used to wear to make change.

Bennachin -- From Gambia and Cameroon -- two of the best African countries; no, two of the best countries, period, motherfucker, I will beat your ass! -- come a combo dish you will want to have heterosexual sex with. I'm talking about jama jama ni makondo, which consists of some pretty dang fine down-homey Spinach, fried plantains, coconut rice and a white roll. I got a ginger drink, too. And it's in the French Quarter -- a block away from Bourbon Street, in fact. So you can digest while exploring one of the world's most sophisticated titty-watchin' scenes.

Surrey's -- And now for Part I of the brunch segment of our program. They have some genius in the kitchen cooking the potatoes. Good enough to make up for the hot water they pass off as coffee -- weak, man. On the other hand, the word "vegan" is still on the menu.

Satsuma -- A perfect place to bring a vegan-hatin' friend, like I did. I gave her the sugary, crackly top of my muffin, and she briefly shut up 'cause it was so dang good.

Fair Grinds -- More savory and sweet vegan snacks than a New Orleans coffee house in its right mind should have. Also the best coffee in town. And it's got such a groovy hippie vibe, I had a massive LSD flashback that I am still on right now -- the screen is melting, man, Microsoft Windows 7 and Facebook are growing genitals, and they just jumped in a pile with Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg . . . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Pho Tau Bay -- While I'm on this LSD flashback, I'd just like to say that this is a very fine Vietnamese establishment. Indeed, I had a perfectly good order of vegetarian soft spring rolls and pan-fried noodles with vegetables and tofu and washed it down with a splendid sugary lime drink.

Kim Son -- So China and Vietnam were sitting around one day, drunk as usual, when China said, Hey, Vietnam, let's start a restaurant called Kim Son. Let's, said Vietnam. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see if you can still flush the urinals by stepping on a wooden board, but I did have me some nice lemongrass tofu and brown rice and grease-bomb (in a good way) fried egg rolls. If the beautiful magic that is Kim Son is any indication, China and Vietnam should join hands more often in restaurant land.

Dickie Brennan's Bourbon House -- After an exhausting day on Bourbon Street -- getting chafed from marathon lap dances, puking chunky blood and bribing a cop with a wallet full of crisp hundreds only to have him violate 42 U.S.C. sec. 1983 by tasering my balls off -- all I wanted was a restorative bowl of soup. And boy did this place do me. They have a creamy cauliflower number that'll make you feel fresh as a field of daisies. With fabric softener.

Lebanon's -- If everyone in Beirut had been eating the vegetarian grape leaves at Lebanon's back in the '80s, they would've been too satiated to pull the pins on all those grenades. While we were there, personal injury lawyer extraordinaire Morris Bart rolled up. I screamed, "Hey, Buddy!" That's his nickname. He immediately scampered over to our table to pay tribute to me. "Dazee," he said, "you are one hell of an attorney at law." "Well, I do declare, Buddy," I said, "you are one hell of a human being."

Beaucoup Nola -- The snowball I had was so weak in flavor, I wanted to punch it in the nuts.

Vanilla, with 50 Gallons of Blood

Sir David Frost here. Dazee had to go to the restroom and sit on a stool, so he asked me to fill in for him this week.

People ask me, Sir David Frost, what is your most memorable interview? Nixon? John and Yoko? The Queen of fucking England? You interviewing yourself as a baby? Ga ga goo goo?

The answer is, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But remember this one, from the 20th century, with vegan painter A. Mitchell Long?

Frost: Are you vegan?

Long: Actually, when I go to the bathroom it’s vegan, but when I eat, it’s only meat. Don’t put that in the interview. My mom might see it.

F: How long have you been vegan?

L: I don’t know. Go talk to Einstein. I’d say 2 feet.

F: Did anyone hear it when you went vegan?

L: Those guys [unintelligible]. Sorry. You shouldn’t put that in. I’ll get beat up.

F: Are you mad that Obama was watching his daughters grow up when the big gusher got on that one oyster?

L: Daniel Day Lewis describes it perfectly about the oil in In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It’s one of best movies I’ve ever seen about killing someone with a noose on an oil rig. I’m like, capital punishment on an oil rig: This is great. Daniel Day Lewis

F: What’s your favorite flavor of vegan milkshake when you’re putting a bowling pin on someone’s head?

L: Vanilla with 50 gallons of blood spilled all over it. Is it vegan if you spill the blood of the guy you hit over the head with a bowling pin? Don’t tell my mom about this article because she’ll find out I smoke cigarettes.

I take the 5th on the next one and the next after that, so you gotta go to the next one after that

So are girlfriend problems vegan? That’s my question. I always thought it was the opposite of veganism, which is world peace. But don’t put that down – Kittee will kill me.

F: If you get a hair in your tooth, is that vegan?

L: The waiter says no and punches me in the mouth. Hey, Hemingway, the waiter punched me in the mouth for having a hair in my tooth! Now I’m going to my orthodontist for the hair in the tooth.

F: Is it vegan if it smells like fish?

L: That’s a gross question.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the Coke in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: Fish make Coke. Don’t quote me on that, and don’t tell Atlanta I said that or that city’s gonna kick my ass.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the vinegar and water in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: It is a new movement in California, and I’m opposed to it.

F: You lived right down the street from Alex Chilton, right?

L: Yeah.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe was really sad when Alex Chilton died?

L: I saw Michael Stipe at a Patti Smith concert. He sang a little bit. He sang “Happy Days Are Here Again.” He thinks he’s gonna be more famous because he’s not as good.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe should’ve paid for a new heart for Alex Chilton?

L: Yeah. I think Michael Stipe should rip out his heart and then bounce it.

F: Did you hear that Michael Stipe wrote a check to buy a new heart for Alex Chilton but it bounced?

L: That’s disgusting. Next question, please.

F: What’s your next album gonna be like?

L: I’ve been working with Alex Chilton lately in my apartment, and he smells bad, but don’t write that down. Alex Chilton fans are gonna kick my ass for making fun of him.

F: Do you think Alex Chilton was proud that he lived in Treme?

L: I don’t know, let’s ask him. He was always a man of few words, so you’ll probably get the same answer as you would have 2-3 months ago.

F: Do you think Dave Cash is a good vegan?

L: I like what he did in Folsom Prison. Of course, he eats huge slabs of cow.

F: Do you think your mother would find what you’re saying to be funny right now?

L: Don’t repeat what I just said. Don’t let my mom hear about this article. I better go change my underwear.

F: Do you think your mother would think it’s funny if I asked her to ask you to ask her how many times she changed your twin brother’s diaper? Did you know your twin brother got his diaper changed by your mom?

L: I put on a new fresh set of underwear. Now it’s time to put on a third underwear.

F: Mind if I put you on speaker phone?

L: Yeah, all right. By the way I’m in my studio.

F: What are you doing?

L: Finishing up a frame. I have a show coming up next week.

F: Where?

L: Houma, Louisiana.

F: Do you think there will be a Houma in Houma next week?

L: [Wind breaking up sound] because my mom will be really mad at me.

F: What are you doing for your show?

L: It’s just like landscapes. It’s all landscapes. Most are neutral ground looking out Esplanade Avenue, kind of a panorama, like trees and architecture, stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. It’s really windy here.

F: Did the wind get in your paintings?

L: No, but there have been problems with leakage. [Screaming noises] I’m very proud of my underpants on a stool in my underwear.

F: Have you ever done that joke when you pull the stool out from someone’s underpants?

L: That’s why i really like being a vegan. I think kittee has a nice recipe for that.

Murder

Very exciting: I was browsing The New Yorker online and came across the headline "Scratch and Crow." I got a chill: That's the name of one of my old friend Helen Hill's films. And as the story revealed, it's now in the Library of Congress' National Film Archive.

Two other things you should know about Helen:

1. She was so sweet; when you were around her, she just kind of bathed you in calm -- as a person who's coo-coo in the brain, I particularly appreciated this, but who wouldn't?

2. She was murdered in New Orleans 3 years ago this week. It's not clear exactly what happened, but the story that most people seem to have settled on is that early in the morning, Helen opened her back door to let her pet pig Rosie out, and just then, someone escaping from another crime burst in and shot her.

At the time, we all talked about why this had happened to Helen and what it meant. Maybe she just got caught in the crossfire, like a baby catching a bullet in a drive-by. Or maybe it was because people are more likely to be murdered in New Orleans than in any other city in the U.S. Living in New Orleans certainly didn't help her chances, that's for sure.

Helen's murder got national attention. And then people started to say that if she wasn't white, a talented filmmaker with a degree from Harvard, her killing would've been stuck on page 3 of the Metro section. Almost certainly true.

Right after Helen was killed, I had held out hope that some big change would take place. After all, thousands of people marched up to City Hall and demanded action. Yet nothing has really happened. Young black men continued to be gunned down. In 2008, 179 people murdered. No. 1 in the country. In 2009, at least 171. Again, probably No. 1.

As the fresh pain of Helen's death receded, I would sometimes walk around New Orleans and think about what it meant to live in a place that put such a small value on people's lives. You would think that on the list of a city's priorities, this would be at the top. But New Orleans has decided the highest murder rate is an acceptable enough attribute for a city.

For a while in New Orleans, it was popular to put up a sign in your window that said "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Then those were replaced with the slogan "Enough!" The last I saw, even those signs were fading away, as if people had just sort of sighed and given up.

I know I did. I did my best, but finally I couldn't take it anymore. For these and other reasons, I moved away.

New Orleans has another chance in 2010. It will have a new mayor. Maybe it will have a Super Bowl champion. I wish I could say there was hope that at the end of the year, a hundred and seventy or so fresh corpses won't be settling in in the pretty above-ground tombs that New Orleans takes such pride in and which tourists the world over visit. I think we all know better.

A. Mitchell Long: That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap

By Dazee
Legal Affairs Correspondent


I was looking at youtube today and came across this October 26, 1966 Dick Cavett interview with New Orleans painter and vegan dabbler A. Mitchell Long. This was in the early days of Vegan Mofo. I know it’s not Vegan Mofo 2009 anymore, but at least the interview was done during a Vegan Mofo. But no more rationalizations. I liked the back and forth between these two so much, I reprint the transcript of selected portions of the program:

Cavett: A. Mitchell Long, goddamn fucking fantastic to see you again. Fucking fantastic, man. What did you paint today?

Long: I didn’t paint today.

Cavett: What did you wear today?

Long: Camouflage

Cavett: Do you ever wear camouflage when you paint?

Long: While painting? No.

Cavett: Do you ever do preparatory paintings?

Long: Doing something like a sketch or something? I paint directly from life, and then I go back to the same spot over and over so it’s like a constant preparatory of the motif. That’s sort of like how Monet and Claude Lorraine say to get to know a motif: you have to go and just study it.

Claude Lorraine was before Monet, so Monet definitely looked at Turner and Lorraine. Claude Lorraine goes by Claude. But he did drawings. Everyting Claude Lorraine painted was in the studio. Back then, people didn’t use oil paints. They just mixed it in the studio with the power pigments.

* * *

Cavett: Did you eat any vegan food today?

Long: Today I had oats for breakfast, and then I had spaghetti with tomato sauce. The tomato sauce had tomato sauce, garlic, cilantro and olive oil and little wok oil in it. The pasta wasn’t vegan.

I started off vegan, and then I became spaghetti legs. But I was a vegetarian today, so that was good.

Cavett: Let’s talk about a rather troubling incident you recently underwent that has affected you very profoundly.

Long: My dog ran after another dog, and then the master of the other dog hit him on the head. That wasn’t vegan of him or me, letting the dog get after the other dog.

Cavett: Getting back to the spaghetti, are you sure it wasn’t vegan?

Long: I don’t know. It has a little sodium, 100% semolina. Minus 1% satisfaction guaranteed. It contains wheat ingredients and folic acid. Frolicking in the acid, I mean folic acid. It’s like the ’60s, frolicking in the acid

So the spaghetti was vegan. You should have a vegan rabbi for veganism and vegan circumcision, except women would be circumcised. Don’t tell my parents I said that, or I’ll have cancer.

***

Cavett: How big have your latest paintings been?

Long: I’ve been doing these paintings that are fairly big, 10" by 40". I painted in the Lower 9th Ward. I’m figuring out the difference between the 9th Ward and the lower 9th Ward. The lower 9th Ward is going back in time, farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. It’s so vegan. I don’t even feel like eating meat out there.

Cavett: You say there’s farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. That’s all very nice, Mitch. But all kidding aside, how is the Lower 9th Ward really? Have any of the hospitals returned since the levee failures?

Long: I wish they had because I stepped in an ant pile. Wow, I said, I stepped in an antpile; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in that second. I said, Golly gee willickers. I put neosporin on it. Is neosporin vegan? I said, I’m one bad ass m.f. I’m not gonna say that word or my mom will really kick my butt. So the next day, I was, like, Gee wiz, these bumps are coming back. Then the next day, the ants popped out. How do you get rid of them?

Put oatmeal on them? When I’m chain smoking, put the cigarettes on them? Don’t tell my parents I said that.

***

Cavett: You’ve eaten at some pretty great restaurants in your life. Haven’t you? Haven’t you?

Long: I wish I could give you a restaurant review, but I haven’t been to any restaurants lately. Oh, I did have some sliced pizza. It was all right.

Cavett: From a restaurant?

Long: Yeah, it was from Slice. Nothing special, but not terrible. Most pizza in New Orleans is terrible. They should brick-oven fried chicken and deep-fry pizza. But don’t tell my parents I said that.

Cavett: Did you feel zen when you were eating pizza?

Long: Zen is there. There is no feeling zen, whether you look at it or not. One foot in the cradle, one foot in the casket, that’s what I always say. Breathe in, breathe out. Pull out the pacifier, put in the breathing tube, that’s what I always say.

Hey, are pacifiers vegan?

Cavett: Yeah.

Long: How about 100% meat pacifiers?

Cavett: No.

Long: How about a hot dog pacifier?

Cavett: If it’s a vegan hot dog.

***

Long: I bought a can opener today for a dollar-sixty. Is that vegan?

Cavett: Yeah. Where did you put it?

Long: Just in the drawer. I bought it down at Canseco’s, a little grocery store in New Orleans, La.

Cavett: Have you put it on any cans?

Long: No. That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap. It’s called Good Cook, so all you vegans, if you buy Good Cook, you’re buying a piece of shit.

Cavett: Is your art commercial?

Long: My art? I want people to like it. I just read an article in the New York Times about how Thelonious Monk really wanted him to have a hit, and everyone thinks of him as being a spiritual type musician. In actuality, he really wanted to make money off his stuff. There’s integrity in my work, but I also want people to like it. I’d like to make some money off it, and I also want people to like it and buy it for big dollars, big pesos and dollars and deutschemarks. I want to rake those things into the wheelbarrow.

***

Long: When a dog barks, is that vegan?

Cavett: Yeah

Long: How about when a dog bites your leg?

Cavett: Yes.

Long: How about when the dog eats the master?

Cavett: Yeah.

Long: How about when you write about a vegan interview?

Cavett: Yeah. Did you eat commercial today?

Long: No, not at all. No, wait a second. I would say eating commercial would be eating anything out. I had 3 shots of espresso in Fair Grinds. That’s not really eating commercial. Sometimes I eat a commercial on TV. I just eat it. That’s the most zen thing I’ve ever done. Then you get fat, and you go to Eating Anonymous, and you eat all the McDonald’s commercials. Warhol used to eat commercials too much. Then he got shot by Valerie Solanis. Poor Valerie. She wasn’t vegan at all.