New Orleans Restaurant Reviews for Vegans

Walkin' Back to New Orleans

2010-11-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

Actually, I flew back. A couple weeks ago. Sorry, Fats Domino. I'm really sorry, Fats Domino. Don't hate me for flying back to New Orleans. Just don't. And if you don't hate me, I will forgive you for not playing at JazzFest that one year and Lionel Richie came on in your place. Although maybe you were telling the truth that you had some medical condition that prevented you from playing. Actually, Fats Domino, it would be cooler in a way if you just blew it off. I would've admired that "I'm Fats Domino, and I don't give two fucks" attitude.

Since all my restaurant reviews are from the year Zero B.C. and also because we are in Vegan MoFo right now, I thought I'd share my opinions on where to eat in New Orleans if you're a vegan, 2010. The best part about these reviews, though, is they will show you how much I've grown since I left there a year ago. Fascinating.

Tandoori Chicken -- My first stop, in Metairie, where David Duke used to -- and for all I know still does -- iron his robe and hood. Ignore the name Tandoori Chicken, vegans, and get out your fork. Still my favorite restaurant in the New Orleans area. Owner Singh dude cooked me a custom order of saag without paneer. No cream in the dish either, just in my jeans, 'cause it was so goddamned good. What? If you can't cream in your jeans when someone cooks you some tasty Indian greens, then why don't we all just go fuck ourselves in the 1950s or something?

Parkway Bakery & Tavern -- Had two french fry po boys. Now that is some starch. Tell 'em to hold the gravy. And bring your own vegenaise. Which reminds me . . .

I will now take a break to congratulate myself on my unique contribution to veganness -- my commitment to vegan condiments. Because I like po boys so much, and because a po boy isn't shit without a mayonnaise-like substance, I bring my own jar of vegenaise wherever I go. I also bring salt (vegan!) and non-white sugar. I've faced a lot of ridicule, been spit on, etc., for being so vegenaise-centric, but there's nothing like feeling the heft and cool glass of the vegenaise jar in your coat pocket when you're headed to the po boy shop. My only dilemma is whether to put all these great condiments in a holster, a man-purse or a fanny-pack-like dispenser that creepy people used to wear to make change.

Bennachin -- From Gambia and Cameroon -- two of the best African countries; no, two of the best countries, period, motherfucker, I will beat your ass! -- come a combo dish you will want to have heterosexual sex with. I'm talking about jama jama ni makondo, which consists of some pretty dang fine down-homey Spinach, fried plantains, coconut rice and a white roll. I got a ginger drink, too. And it's in the French Quarter -- a block away from Bourbon Street, in fact. So you can digest while exploring one of the world's most sophisticated titty-watchin' scenes.

Surrey's -- And now for Part I of the brunch segment of our program. They have some genius in the kitchen cooking the potatoes. Good enough to make up for the hot water they pass off as coffee -- weak, man. On the other hand, the word "vegan" is still on the menu.

Satsuma -- A perfect place to bring a vegan-hatin' friend, like I did. I gave her the sugary, crackly top of my muffin, and she briefly shut up 'cause it was so dang good.

Fair Grinds -- More savory and sweet vegan snacks than a New Orleans coffee house in its right mind should have. Also the best coffee in town. And it's got such a groovy hippie vibe, I had a massive LSD flashback that I am still on right now -- the screen is melting, man, Microsoft Windows 7 and Facebook are growing genitals, and they just jumped in a pile with Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg . . . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Pho Tau Bay -- While I'm on this LSD flashback, I'd just like to say that this is a very fine Vietnamese establishment. Indeed, I had a perfectly good order of vegetarian soft spring rolls and pan-fried noodles with vegetables and tofu and washed it down with a splendid sugary lime drink.

Kim Son -- So China and Vietnam were sitting around one day, drunk as usual, when China said, Hey, Vietnam, let's start a restaurant called Kim Son. Let's, said Vietnam. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see if you can still flush the urinals by stepping on a wooden board, but I did have me some nice lemongrass tofu and brown rice and grease-bomb (in a good way) fried egg rolls. If the beautiful magic that is Kim Son is any indication, China and Vietnam should join hands more often in restaurant land.

Dickie Brennan's Bourbon House -- After an exhausting day on Bourbon Street -- getting chafed from marathon lap dances, puking chunky blood and bribing a cop with a wallet full of crisp hundreds only to have him violate 42 U.S.C. sec. 1983 by tasering my balls off -- all I wanted was a restorative bowl of soup. And boy did this place do me. They have a creamy cauliflower number that'll make you feel fresh as a field of daisies. With fabric softener.

Lebanon's -- If everyone in Beirut had been eating the vegetarian grape leaves at Lebanon's back in the '80s, they would've been too satiated to pull the pins on all those grenades. While we were there, personal injury lawyer extraordinaire Morris Bart rolled up. I screamed, "Hey, Buddy!" That's his nickname. He immediately scampered over to our table to pay tribute to me. "Dazee," he said, "you are one hell of an attorney at law." "Well, I do declare, Buddy," I said, "you are one hell of a human being."

Beaucoup Nola -- The snowball I had was so weak in flavor, I wanted to punch it in the nuts.

Vanilla, with 50 Gallons of Blood

2010-05-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sir David Frost here. Dazee had to go to the restroom and sit on a stool, so he asked me to fill in for him this week.

People ask me, Sir David Frost, what is your most memorable interview? Nixon? John and Yoko? The Queen of fucking England? You interviewing yourself as a baby? Ga ga goo goo?

The answer is, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But remember this one, from the 20th century, with vegan painter A. Mitchell Long?

Frost: Are you vegan?

Long: Actually, when I go to the bathroom it’s vegan, but when I eat, it’s only meat. Don’t put that in the interview. My mom might see it.

F: How long have you been vegan?

L: I don’t know. Go talk to Einstein. I’d say 2 feet.

F: Did anyone hear it when you went vegan?

L: Those guys [unintelligible]. Sorry. You shouldn’t put that in. I’ll get beat up.

F: Are you mad that Obama was watching his daughters grow up when the big gusher got on that one oyster?

L: Daniel Day Lewis describes it perfectly about the oil in In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It’s one of best movies I’ve ever seen about killing someone with a noose on an oil rig. I’m like, capital punishment on an oil rig: This is great. Daniel Day Lewis

F: What’s your favorite flavor of vegan milkshake when you’re putting a bowling pin on someone’s head?

L: Vanilla with 50 gallons of blood spilled all over it. Is it vegan if you spill the blood of the guy you hit over the head with a bowling pin? Don’t tell my mom about this article because she’ll find out I smoke cigarettes.

I take the 5th on the next one and the next after that, so you gotta go to the next one after that

So are girlfriend problems vegan? That’s my question. I always thought it was the opposite of veganism, which is world peace. But don’t put that down – Kittee will kill me.

F: If you get a hair in your tooth, is that vegan?

L: The waiter says no and punches me in the mouth. Hey, Hemingway, the waiter punched me in the mouth for having a hair in my tooth! Now I’m going to my orthodontist for the hair in the tooth.

F: Is it vegan if it smells like fish?

L: That’s a gross question.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the Coke in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: Fish make Coke. Don’t quote me on that, and don’t tell Atlanta I said that or that city’s gonna kick my ass.

F: Is it vegan when all the ladies of the world mix all the vinegar and water in the world with all the fish in the world?

L: It is a new movement in California, and I’m opposed to it.

F: You lived right down the street from Alex Chilton, right?

L: Yeah.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe was really sad when Alex Chilton died?

L: I saw Michael Stipe at a Patti Smith concert. He sang a little bit. He sang “Happy Days Are Here Again.” He thinks he’s gonna be more famous because he’s not as good.

F: Do you think Michael Stipe should’ve paid for a new heart for Alex Chilton?

L: Yeah. I think Michael Stipe should rip out his heart and then bounce it.

F: Did you hear that Michael Stipe wrote a check to buy a new heart for Alex Chilton but it bounced?

L: That’s disgusting. Next question, please.

F: What’s your next album gonna be like?

L: I’ve been working with Alex Chilton lately in my apartment, and he smells bad, but don’t write that down. Alex Chilton fans are gonna kick my ass for making fun of him.

F: Do you think Alex Chilton was proud that he lived in Treme?

L: I don’t know, let’s ask him. He was always a man of few words, so you’ll probably get the same answer as you would have 2-3 months ago.

F: Do you think Dave Cash is a good vegan?

L: I like what he did in Folsom Prison. Of course, he eats huge slabs of cow.

F: Do you think your mother would find what you’re saying to be funny right now?

L: Don’t repeat what I just said. Don’t let my mom hear about this article. I better go change my underwear.

F: Do you think your mother would think it’s funny if I asked her to ask you to ask her how many times she changed your twin brother’s diaper? Did you know your twin brother got his diaper changed by your mom?

L: I put on a new fresh set of underwear. Now it’s time to put on a third underwear.

F: Mind if I put you on speaker phone?

L: Yeah, all right. By the way I’m in my studio.

F: What are you doing?

L: Finishing up a frame. I have a show coming up next week.

F: Where?

L: Houma, Louisiana.

F: Do you think there will be a Houma in Houma next week?

L: [Wind breaking up sound] because my mom will be really mad at me.

F: What are you doing for your show?

L: It’s just like landscapes. It’s all landscapes. Most are neutral ground looking out Esplanade Avenue, kind of a panorama, like trees and architecture, stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. It’s really windy here.

F: Did the wind get in your paintings?

L: No, but there have been problems with leakage. [Screaming noises] I’m very proud of my underpants on a stool in my underwear.

F: Have you ever done that joke when you pull the stool out from someone’s underpants?

L: That’s why i really like being a vegan. I think kittee has a nice recipe for that.

Murder

2010-01-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Very exciting: I was browsing The New Yorker online and came across the headline "Scratch and Crow." I got a chill: That's the name of one of my old friend Helen Hill's films. And as the story revealed, it's now in the Library of Congress' National Film Archive.

Two other things you should know about Helen:

1. She was so sweet; when you were around her, she just kind of bathed you in calm -- as a person who's coo-coo in the brain, I particularly appreciated this, but who wouldn't?

2. She was murdered in New Orleans 3 years ago this week. It's not clear exactly what happened, but the story that most people seem to have settled on is that early in the morning, Helen opened her back door to let her pet pig Rosie out, and just then, someone escaping from another crime burst in and shot her.

At the time, we all talked about why this had happened to Helen and what it meant. Maybe she just got caught in the crossfire, like a baby catching a bullet in a drive-by. Or maybe it was because people are more likely to be murdered in New Orleans than in any other city in the U.S. Living in New Orleans certainly didn't help her chances, that's for sure.

Helen's murder got national attention. And then people started to say that if she wasn't white, a talented filmmaker with a degree from Harvard, her killing would've been stuck on page 3 of the Metro section. Almost certainly true.

Right after Helen was killed, I had held out hope that some big change would take place. After all, thousands of people marched up to City Hall and demanded action. Yet nothing has really happened. Young black men continued to be gunned down. In 2008, 179 people murdered. No. 1 in the country. In 2009, at least 171. Again, probably No. 1.

As the fresh pain of Helen's death receded, I would sometimes walk around New Orleans and think about what it meant to live in a place that put such a small value on people's lives. You would think that on the list of a city's priorities, this would be at the top. But New Orleans has decided the highest murder rate is an acceptable enough attribute for a city.

For a while in New Orleans, it was popular to put up a sign in your window that said "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Then those were replaced with the slogan "Enough!" The last I saw, even those signs were fading away, as if people had just sort of sighed and given up.

I know I did. I did my best, but finally I couldn't take it anymore. For these and other reasons, I moved away.

New Orleans has another chance in 2010. It will have a new mayor. Maybe it will have a Super Bowl champion. I wish I could say there was hope that at the end of the year, a hundred and seventy or so fresh corpses won't be settling in in the pretty above-ground tombs that New Orleans takes such pride in and which tourists the world over visit. I think we all know better.

A. Mitchell Long: That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap

2009-11-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

By Dazee
Legal Affairs Correspondent

I was looking at youtube today and came across this October 26, 1966 Dick Cavett interview with New Orleans painter and vegan dabbler A. Mitchell Long. This was in the early days of Vegan Mofo. I know it’s not Vegan Mofo 2009 anymore, but at least the interview was done during a Vegan Mofo. But no more rationalizations. I liked the back and forth between these two so much, I reprint the transcript of selected portions of the program:

Cavett: A. Mitchell Long, goddamn fucking fantastic to see you again. Fucking fantastic, man. What did you paint today?

Long: I didn’t paint today.

Cavett: What did you wear today?

Long: Camouflage

Cavett: Do you ever wear camouflage when you paint?

Long: While painting? No.

Cavett: Do you ever do preparatory paintings?

Long: Doing something like a sketch or something? I paint directly from life, and then I go back to the same spot over and over so it’s like a constant preparatory of the motif. That’s sort of like how Monet and Claude Lorraine say to get to know a motif: you have to go and just study it.

Claude Lorraine was before Monet, so Monet definitely looked at Turner and Lorraine. Claude Lorraine goes by Claude. But he did drawings. Everyting Claude Lorraine painted was in the studio. Back then, people didn’t use oil paints. They just mixed it in the studio with the power pigments.

* * *

Cavett: Did you eat any vegan food today?

Long: Today I had oats for breakfast, and then I had spaghetti with tomato sauce. The tomato sauce had tomato sauce, garlic, cilantro and olive oil and little wok oil in it. The pasta wasn’t vegan.

I started off vegan, and then I became spaghetti legs. But I was a vegetarian today, so that was good.

Cavett: Let’s talk about a rather troubling incident you recently underwent that has affected you very profoundly.

Long: My dog ran after another dog, and then the master of the other dog hit him on the head. That wasn’t vegan of him or me, letting the dog get after the other dog.

Cavett: Getting back to the spaghetti, are you sure it wasn’t vegan?

Long: I don’t know. It has a little sodium, 100% semolina. Minus 1% satisfaction guaranteed. It contains wheat ingredients and folic acid. Frolicking in the acid, I mean folic acid. It’s like the ’60s, frolicking in the acid

So the spaghetti was vegan. You should have a vegan rabbi for veganism and vegan circumcision, except women would be circumcised. Don’t tell my parents I said that, or I’ll have cancer.

***

Cavett: How big have your latest paintings been?

Long: I’ve been doing these paintings that are fairly big, 10" by 40". I painted in the Lower 9th Ward. I’m figuring out the difference between the 9th Ward and the lower 9th Ward. The lower 9th Ward is going back in time, farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. It’s so vegan. I don’t even feel like eating meat out there.

Cavett: You say there’s farmland, trees and crows, and you can paint in the middle of the street. That’s all very nice, Mitch. But all kidding aside, how is the Lower 9th Ward really? Have any of the hospitals returned since the levee failures?

Long: I wish they had because I stepped in an ant pile. Wow, I said, I stepped in an antpile; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in that second. I said, Golly gee willickers. I put neosporin on it. Is neosporin vegan? I said, I’m one bad ass m.f. I’m not gonna say that word or my mom will really kick my butt. So the next day, I was, like, Gee wiz, these bumps are coming back. Then the next day, the ants popped out. How do you get rid of them?

Put oatmeal on them? When I’m chain smoking, put the cigarettes on them? Don’t tell my parents I said that.

***

Cavett: You’ve eaten at some pretty great restaurants in your life. Haven’t you? Haven’t you?

Long: I wish I could give you a restaurant review, but I haven’t been to any restaurants lately. Oh, I did have some sliced pizza. It was all right.

Cavett: From a restaurant?

Long: Yeah, it was from Slice. Nothing special, but not terrible. Most pizza in New Orleans is terrible. They should brick-oven fried chicken and deep-fry pizza. But don’t tell my parents I said that.

Cavett: Did you feel zen when you were eating pizza?

Long: Zen is there. There is no feeling zen, whether you look at it or not. One foot in the cradle, one foot in the casket, that’s what I always say. Breathe in, breathe out. Pull out the pacifier, put in the breathing tube, that’s what I always say.

Hey, are pacifiers vegan?

Cavett: Yeah.

Long: How about 100% meat pacifiers?

Cavett: No.

Long: How about a hot dog pacifier?

Cavett: If it’s a vegan hot dog.

***

Long: I bought a can opener today for a dollar-sixty. Is that vegan?

Cavett: Yeah. Where did you put it?

Long: Just in the drawer. I bought it down at Canseco’s, a little grocery store in New Orleans, La.

Cavett: Have you put it on any cans?

Long: No. That’s why I had spaghetti today, because the can opener was a piece of crap. It’s called Good Cook, so all you vegans, if you buy Good Cook, you’re buying a piece of shit.

Cavett: Is your art commercial?

Long: My art? I want people to like it. I just read an article in the New York Times about how Thelonious Monk really wanted him to have a hit, and everyone thinks of him as being a spiritual type musician. In actuality, he really wanted to make money off his stuff. There’s integrity in my work, but I also want people to like it. I’d like to make some money off it, and I also want people to like it and buy it for big dollars, big pesos and dollars and deutschemarks. I want to rake those things into the wheelbarrow.

***

Long: When a dog barks, is that vegan?

Cavett: Yeah

Long: How about when a dog bites your leg?

Cavett: Yes.

Long: How about when the dog eats the master?

Cavett: Yeah.

Long: How about when you write about a vegan interview?

Cavett: Yeah. Did you eat commercial today?

Long: No, not at all. No, wait a second. I would say eating commercial would be eating anything out. I had 3 shots of espresso in Fair Grinds. That’s not really eating commercial. Sometimes I eat a commercial on TV. I just eat it. That’s the most zen thing I’ve ever done. Then you get fat, and you go to Eating Anonymous, and you eat all the McDonald’s commercials. Warhol used to eat commercials too much. Then he got shot by Valerie Solanis. Poor Valerie. She wasn’t vegan at all.

It's sad Wayne's going behind bars

2009-10-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

Wayne's my favorite rapper. Guns bad. But America worse, for putting so many people in jails, prisons, what-have-you.

I found it interesting that after the judge said he wouldn't be able to withdraw his guilty plea, Wayne responded he wasn't one of those people. Now I'm not licensed in New York, I haven't practiced criminal law in several years, I don't know if the reporter mis-reported something, I don't know what else was said during the rearraignment, and there may have been some legit reason for Wayne to say that.

But if Wayne was suggesting that a person is per se morally deficient or two-faced for withdrawing his plea, I'm here to say that's not necessarily the case -- where I've practiced, at least. Disclaimer: Nothing here is meant to be legal advice. If you need legal advice, see a lawyer.

Depending on the situation, there may be a perfectly valid reason for withdrawing a guilty plea. But if a NY attorney wants to tell me I'm wrong about any of this, please do.

Vegan Mofo: Vegan American Might as Well Be a Caveperson's Cuisine

2009-10-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

The vegan American cuisine is about 50 years old and, in some ways, created from whole cloth. Compare that to other cuisines around the world, which have evolutionized over thousands of years and have developed from an extended, indigenous collective wisdom.

On the one hand, you have a baby cuisine still struggling to figure out what it is. There are odd permutations, such as Healthy Vegan (unseasoned black beans, rice, kale), Facsimile Vegan (a soy bean is an egg, a soy bean is beef, etc.), and Junk Vegan (cupcakes and jerky). Unfortunately, vegan American has also grown up in a vicious corporate culture that in many ways plays the improper role of greedy manipulator, not helpful facilitator, of what those who choose vegan American should be eating.

The vegan American cuisine is also victimized by its understandable emphasis on the analogue. For example, the overwhelming percentage of eaters of this cuisine grew up eating non-vegan food and developed their sense of comfort and palate from this. They then try to re-create it in vegan form.

For example, compare scrambled eggs to tofu scramble. The nutritional profiles are radically different, as are the tastes. No doubt, it's better in many ways to eat tofu than eggs, but certainly not in all ways. For instance, how does tofu scramble, when combined with hash browns and toast physically affect a person compared to scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast? What kinds of chemical phenomena are set off when you combine eggs with those things versus when you combine tofu with those things? Certainly, both eggs and tofu contain protein, but they contain myriad other chemicals and create obviously different reactions when combined with other food. Is that combination harmful. If so, how? A mature cuisine would have largely worked out these matters.

Maybe tofu is healthier than an egg in most ways. But you can't end the discussion with an either/or fallacy. Is tofu healthy enough? Is it tasty enough? What is it really doing to our bodies and brains? How might it negatively affect our physiology in a way that the egg doesn't?

Traditional cuisines also have mostly developed incrementally through the passing on of flavors and techniques from family member to family member and from combining whole, local materials. American vegans, however, are often the first person in their family to adopt their particular diet. They must get much of their knowledge from the outside world. Their diet is often less borne of patient evolution than of radical invention.

I'm not suggesting eggs are acceptable to eat. I just think that those who eat a vegan American diet should consider how radical of a cuisine this is and think about the implications of eating a cuisine that's in its infancy as opposed to one that's been developed over thousands of years.

Vegan mofo: Cheese-eating whore

2009-10-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I spoke to someone who called herself a cheese-eating whore. I have seen this person eat vegan food, however.

Wow, I've given out so little information about this person. I must really be into privacy or something.

I also was at a food cart behind a person whose ass crack was hanging out. She hitched up her pants and ordered a vegan meal. I congratulated her for doing something to help animals, but what I congratulated her for was not the ordering of a vegan meal.

Painter A. Mitchell Long: Unhealthy Vegans Have Sex with their Cousins

2009-10-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

By Dazee
Vegan Mofo Legal Affairs Correspondent

As Matisse and Picasso looked back on Cezanne as a paternal figure, so shall the best painter in the mid-21st century call A. Mitchell Long his pappy. An occasional vegan, Long is that rarest of artists – a painter’s painter’s painter.

MoFo visited him recently at his imposing studio in Mid City New Orleans. Strauss’ Blue Danube waltz played softly in the background as he “rapped” thoughtfully about two of the greatest "movements" of humankind, veganism and painting, as well as about falling off the macrobiotic wagon. As is his wont, Long pulled no punches and had particularly strong words for vegans who don’t know how to cook.

Q. A. Mitchell Long, do you think vegans are unhealthy?

A. I think some of them are. They look unhealthy to me. Look at the bags under their eyes. Plus they all hang out together. It’s real incestuous. They have sex with their cousins. You seem like you’re pretty healthy. But then Kittee cooks all the time. [Full disclosure: I am caveman. Kittee is cavewoman. Rarrrrrr!] I don’t think people who don’t know how to cook should be vegans.

Q. Do you ever cook vegan?

A. Yeah. I like vegan. If I eat just brown rice, that’s vegan. I like macrobiotic, too. Is raw food vegan? Macrobiotics, you have to cook everything. I think you at least have to blanch it. Or Stella it. Or Stanley Kowalski it.

Q. How do you make rice?

A. Boil it with water and then I do it by eye and pour it in – put it halfway, and then I’ll throw a bunch of stuff on top, you know, to weight it down so it steams and then bring it down to low. Forty-five minutes if it’s brown rice. If there’s still water in it, you keep it going. Then you just turn it off. It’ll soak up the water. My rice is OK.

Q. Is painting vegan?

The old oil paintings aren’t vegan because there’s rabbit-skin glue in them. The new ones are vegetable oil and pigment. But I do use rabbit’s skin glue every once in a while. Now [prominent Young British Artist] Damien Hirst, he took a big shark and stuffed it; that’s not vegan. He took a skull and put diamonds all over it – that’s not vegan. There are also people who put blood all over themselves. That’s not vegan.

Q. Do you ever eat when you’re painting.

A. No. I drink water, smoke a cigarette, maybe. Don’t tell my parents that. Don’t tell my boss that, my boss – God.. . . Dog.

Q. You eat oatmeal, right?

A. Yeah, steel cut oats. That’s another part of that macrobiotic fasting. Boil it. Then stir it. Then it’s creamy. Then bring it down to 1 degree or low or something. Then 30 minutes, and it should be pretty good to go. I throw it in the fridge, then nuke it in a plastic bag, then eat it with my hands.

Q. The New York Times recently reported that you had fallen off the macrobiotic wagon. It caused quite a sensation. We’d like to ask you to set the record straight.

When I ate rice, then broke the macrobiotic fast, I had red beans: it was so tasty. My roommate’s not that good of a cook, and it was so good. There was meat in that. sausage. A big old sausage. I believe in eating every type of diet – macrobiotic, meatatarian, humanitarian. But I don’t believe in cannibalism. So that’s where I draw the line. But who knows? It might be good.

Q. When you were eating rice, what kinds of paintings were you doing?

A. Doing panorama paintings with gesso. I was painting panorama paintings of plein air, directly from vegan.

Q. What was the subject matter of the paintings?

A. I’ve been painting on this spot on the cusp of the French Quarter, these two buildings, one’s called Buffa’s, and the other is Melrose, a B&B. That corner is on Esplanade. Sometimes I’ll have a Red Bull, and I drink a lot of water. Drunk people will come up and comment on my painting. I get some pretty good comments, some good feedback, which is pretty cool. It’s a new thing for me to talk to people. Maybe the brown rice started getting me talking more, like a Socialist.

Q. But back to the painting.

A. I take in a 180-degree composition from life, just like Monet and Cezanne, the Impressionists, squeezing it into panorama format, 4 inches by 20 inches. My friends call it “skinny Long.” My last name is Long. I’m getting skinnier, putting more holes in my belt loop every day. Do you have a drill so I can put more holes in my belt loop? Luckily I’m on the outside of Barnes & Noble, so nobody’s hearing this brilliance.

Q. Speaking of brilliance, tell us a little about your website.

My website, mitchell-long.com, is vegan. I quit putting meat in my website last year. I went completely vegan on my website.

I’ve never painted meat. I had a friend who painted a very beautiful painting of an egg. I’ve painted some stoves. I have a painting of your and kittee’s kitchen. I painted a vegan kitchen. I don’t think it’s on my website. Maybe I’ll put it on there. Maybe I’ll call it “Vegan Kitchen” or “Vegan Kitchen That’s Dazee and Kittee’s” or “Dazee’s Vegan Kitchen and Kittee’s Vegan Kitchen” or “Late Afternoon with Dazee and Kittee’s Kitchen with a Little bit of Syrup on the Table, a Little Molasses, with Rosy Colored Dawn, Pink-fingered Dawn of Kittee and Dazee’s Kitchen.”

The paintings of A. Mitchell Long may be seen at mitchell-long.com.

Vegan Mofo: I've been vegan for like a few weeks

2009-10-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

Just taking it one day at a time. Smoking lots of damn cigarettes. Drinking tons of that coffee now.

Fuck ya'll hatin on vegans

2009-10-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not even gonna mention ya'll's stanky names. That's right. I'ts vegan mofo, 2009.

Love to the non=-pants -wearing animals.

Happy birthday, attorney Gandhi. You were one heck I mean hell of a laywer. Q: Ho0w many more restaurants named Gandhi that serve chicken can there be before the end of the world? A: How the hell should I know?

Little Tokyo

2009-09-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

310 N Carrollton Ave, (866) 543-0206 (LD)

Don't you feel a little guilty when you hit the sushi bar and you have to tear open a package of disposable chopsticks, knowing you're at the end of a production line that started with a drunken lumberjack chainsawing yet another of Motherfuckin Earth's beautiful trees? Just so you can shove rice and veggies in your spoiled American maw? Well, check your guilty consciences at the door. Little Tokyo will sell you a pair of reusable sticks for $4.00, or let you bring your own for free, and the restaurant'll wash and keep 'em there for you. Wait! Oh shit! Another ice sheet in the Arctic Circle just cracked right under a polar bear nursing her cubs. Her left paws are on the part of the ice sheet floating away toward the left, and her right paws are on the ice sheet floating away toward the right, so she's doing the splits. The cubs gamely hold on to the bear's nipples for a second to avoid falling to a cold, watery death. The bear, enraged by the pain in her nipples, raises up and roars as the cubs lose their grip, tumbling into the ocean. . . .

Mojo

2009-09-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

1500 Magazine St, New Orleans - (504) 525-2244 (BLD)

Sometimes Fair Trade, sometimes not.

I used to bring Vee, our freegan dog, in there. He's the cutest boy. The poor pooch -- he was drinking a nice pint glass of ice water when he knocked it over by accident. Dogs are now banned, though I don't think it had anything to do with Vee.

Fun fact: During the '08 election season, the owner blanketed the place with signs for Constitutional fundamentalist Ron Paul.

Fair Grinds

2009-09-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

913-9072 (Open) (BLD)

Right by Jazz Fest, where I saw Cheeky Black in 2007. Here's a little Big Freedia. Do it for ya. Somebody gawn be my . . . Girl, clap it for ya. We like to shake it for ya. We like to shake it for ya. Shake it like a baby daddy. Ha-ha-Hollygrove.

The best coffee in New Orleans. Fair Grinds has vegan stuff off and on, but as far as I know, it's always Fair Trade.

Zotz

2009-09-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

Zotz, 8210 Oak Street, 861-2224 (BLD)

Zotz is a curious combination of asshole and good company. I was charged a dollar for a two-ounce splash of soymilk in my coffee. That's a predatory business practice -- Zotz's policy, then, is to charge $16 for a 32-ounce container of soymilk it pays maybe $2 for. When a coffeehouse charges an extra 50 cents or dollar for a splash of soymilk in your coffee, not only is this highway robbery in and of itself, but we soymilk drinkers also end up subsidizing cow milk drinkers, who get to guzzle their phlegm for free.

Zots also once boasted of its pro-smoking policy at one point, though I don't know if it does anymore. On the other hand, it is so Fair Trade hipster. And so vegan-optional.

The scene: Hi Mr. Prince Albert-wearing Speed Freak. Hello Stitch-and-Bitcher. Are you knitting me a cell-phone cozy? And is that you in the corner, Mrs. Face-Tattoo? Okay, I love this place. It's twenty-four hours a day of corporate-free coffee drinkin'. I got a stale vegan cookie right before my acupuncture session one day.

Oh, did I mention Zotz serves Che Guevara's favorite beverage, yerba mate? The dude was a leper doctor. You know that yerba mate shit's gotta be tasty. Or it's just because he was from Argentina. Viva Zotz! Drink your coffee here and tell Starfuckers it can go piss up a rope.

Pho Tau Bay

2009-09-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

113-C Westbank Expwy., Gretna, 368-9846 (LD)

I have it on good authority that the honcho behind these restaurants was questioned for jury duty in a capital murder case in Jefferson Parish, New Orleans' death-penalty-lovin' neighbor, see www.blackstrikes.com. The owner said under oath that he would automatically vote for the death penalty in cases where the defendant was found guilty of first degree murder.

That said, the food was as good as the owner's views on capital punishment have been and may still be misguided. See www.deathpenaltyinfo.org. A Jefferson Parish jury recently voted to sentence Patrick Kennedy to death for child rape. Cruel and unusual punishment! you cry? Well, old Patrick was thinking the same thing, and so he took his Eighth Amendment challenge right up to the U.S. Supreme Court. Another Kennedy, Justice Anthony, wrote the decision for the court saying that Patrick was right. Cool. Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal acted mad but probably was secretly proud that the state played such an integral role in making extra-double sure the U.S. is no longer the only Western democracy with the death penalty for rape.

So let's get down to brass tacks. The vegetarian soft spring rolls are filled with fresh cilantro and come with the best peanut sauce in the city. Order the pho xau do chay (mixed vegetables with tofu and gluten and pan fried rice noodles), blow on it, then pour directly into your mouth. kittee and I have stabbed each other repeatedly with our forks trying to get fried noodles off each other's plates and would've shot each other except this is Louisiana, and, well, we don't want to wake up one day with Angola warden Burl Cain standing over us with the tiny boner he always gets in the execution chamber when it's lethal injection time. But I digress. Pho Tau Bay gets in on the po-boy action with the vegan banh mi chay, starring fried tofu and dressed with julienne carrots, Chinese radish, onions, cucumbers, and "HOT!!!" (note the three exclamation points, gringos) peppers. I've only ever had something like this in Montreal and Portland, and I don't think I'm talkin out my ass when I say I'm sure it's good here. Lots of folks rave about the soup rau chay, a.k.a., vegetarian soup, but kittee doesn't like it. kittee insists I don't like it either, but I want to give it another try. We both like the many weird desserts, and there are far too many beverages to get into here.

Kim Son

2009-09-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

349 Whitney Ave., Gretna, 366-2489 (LD)

When kittee walks in this place, she must have the same kind of buzz Bush was sportin' when he snuck into Iraq that one Tofurkey Day. The vegetarian page on the menu is long on pretty tasty morsels. kittee has a bone for the sweet-and-sour chicken, which couldn't be more deep fried. I'd be generally wary of the other chicken, gluten, and bean cake offerings on the left side of the vegetarian page. Stick with the right side, especially the Bean Cake w/ Black Pepper and the Bean Cake w/ Curry & Coconut Sauce in Clay Pot. And you'd be a crazy coo-coo lunatic not to get the Vegetarian Salad, which is packed with fried tofu in a light sweet and sour sauce on a bed of cabbage. Extra bonus for the vegan fellas: to use the urinal, you have to stand on an angled board that triggers constant flushing. It's funky smelling, fun and hygienic all at the same time!

Jazmine Cafe

2009-09-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

614 S. Carrollton Ave., 866-9301 (LD)

Pack yourself into some St. Charles streetcar and get off when it starts to turn up Carrollton. The waitstaff was insanely, touchingly eager to please, and what I ate made me glad that George Bush gave me my $3.00 tax refund or whatever it was (remember that? no, me neither) because it went a long way toward purchasing the best gol-dang spring rolls in the city. The rice paper wrapper was soft and pliable unlike the slightly drier, stiffer version you get most anywhere else, and the roll was ridiculously full of juicy avocado. The seaweed salad is a beautiful thing, too.

Frosty's

2009-09-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

3400 Cleary Ave., Metairie, 888-9600; 2800 Manhattan Blvd., Suite B, Harvey, 361-9099 (LD)

Frosty's bubble tea is the messiah. In the future, we will all pray to Frosty's bubble tea and kill people of other cultures in its name. Frosty's has all kinds of crazy fresh fruit, and you get soy milk, not powder to float your bubbles in. I think the sauce for the spring rolls suck big ass, but kittee is into 'em.

Sukho Thai

2009-09-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

1913 Royal St., 948-9309 (LD)

A bit snobby, but the cooks know what they're doing when they start slinging the coconut milk. If you're a pretentious tea-loving fuck, well, son, I do believe you're in the right place.

Sing Ha Thai Cafe

2009-09-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

413 Carondelet St., 581-2205 (L and early D)

The CBDers love this place. They're in denial. The pad thai is mediocre, but you can get it vegan with tofu.

Rocky's Gourmet Pizzeria

2009-09-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

If I had a nipple for every time . . . oh, fuck, I've used this metaphor already. Okay, those stinkin' non-vegans, they never shut up about it: "Pizza without cheese? What's the point?" Well, you might ask yourself a complementary question: "Pizza in New Orleans? What's the point?" If you've come here for the pizza, I say, get ready for some punishment, Monsieur Masochist. Nevertheless, this is one of kittee's favorite foods, so we regularly brave the bullets whizzing by, the drunk drivers busting through red lights (in New Orleans, just so you know, it doesn't matter if the light is green, yellow, red, or white, non-Hispanic -- you call it a red light), and the Palmetto bugs the size of Ron Jeremy's member in search of what we know will be underachieving dough-sauce-vegetable food. But you know what, it doesn't even matter, brother, New Orleans is still the greatest, grandest city in the world! At least that's what New Orleanians think. The real question is what should a painter paint. The thing which one can't locate. That's what Mr. Jasper says anyway.

Rocky's Gourmet Pizzeria, 3222 Magazine St., 891-5152 (LD)

Our New York pizza snob friend Mr. Billy likes to say, If you want some good matzo, go to Rocky's. Well, the whole wheat crust that we get is a bit on the er, um, crackery side, to put it politely, but this is still our favorite pizza parlor, and it can be yours, too. Here's what you do. Order a Big Al's Roasted Garlic or a Farmer's Market with the red sauce. If you don't specify the red sauce, you may end up with the non-vegan white sauce or no sauce at all. Tell 'em to hold all the cheese--mozzarella, feta, all of it--and substitute olive salad (pickled olives, carrots, cauliflower and spices in oil). Then mow down that pizza and guzzle a glass or pitcher of one of the many varieties of the fine local Abita beer. If you're getting poorer while The Man gets richer--or even if you are The Man-- remember that all food tastes better after you don't eat for two days.

Any taco truck

2009-09-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

(LD)

One of the things that white New Orleanians like to lick their own balls about (and yes, I mean the women, too) is how wonderfully goddamn nice it is that their city is so fucking diverse.

Cut to the Uptown cultural sensitivity store:
White New Orleans woman: "Hmm, honey, what kind of wallpaper should we choose?"
White New Orleans man: "Oh, Jesus. I can't decide between the black-man-shooting-another-black-man or the second-line theme."
White New Orleans woman: "I love it when we congratulate ourselves."
White New Orleans man: "Wow, I am feeling guilty about my skin privilege."
White New Orleans woman: "Thanks for ruining it, jerk."

What a beautiful tale. And now there's yet another flavor in the gumbo.

That's right: It's Spanglish time on wheels all over New Orleans! Beware the tacos de cabeza y de lengua. Just say, Me gustaria una horchata, and you'll be ok.

Tandoori Chicken

2009-09-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

2916 Cleary Ave Metairie,889-7880 (LD)

Don't be fooled by the name, this is the best Indian food in town. It used to be located in the CBD, close to my work, and I ate there all the time. Sadly, it's moved to the suburbs, but if you're going out that way, you should dash over for some excellent buffet.

The owners have described the menu, which I think is Punjabi, as Indian soul food, and brother man, I say, raise a fist in salute. This place is never crowded, but the masses can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. You can get tiny French lentils, mixed vegetables, aloo chole, and eggplant, but you're in the wrong place if you're looking for the kind of delicate Indian food that prances around on your tongue. This is comfort food, thick with plenty of oil and spiced with reckless abandon. Wipe up that stew with a yummy roti (tell 'em, to sub it for the naan, and your wish is their command). And if you're feeling extra bossy, ask for spinach without cream or cheese. This is the way the cook himself eats it, and if he's feelin it, he'll share the goodness (though I would suggest adding salt). And now even more insider info: If you luck out and hit this place on Friday or Saturday round about lunchtime, you'll find samosas on the buffet. Horde 'em And don't forget the lemon pickle--them's some good shit right there. You can get a dangerously heavy clamshell's worth of all this stuff for $5.99, or you can pig out in the dining room till your stomach needs stapling for $8.99. Tandoori Chicken, your name sucks, but I don't care what the others say -- I am desperately, gloriously, unhealthily in love with you.

Farmer's Markets

2009-09-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Crescent City Farmers Markets:

Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Thursday Markets:

Broadmoor Farmers Market 3 pm to 7 pm Free Church of the Annunciation, 4505 S. Claiborne Ave Mid-City Green Market 3 pm to 7 pm 3700 Orleans Ave [pkng lot of American Can Co]

Ninth Ward Markets:

Upper Ninth Ward Market Saturdays, 1pm - 4pm Holy Angels Convent, 3500 St. Claude Ave. Lower Ninth Ward Farmers Market Sundays, 10am - 1pm St. David's Church on St. Claude Avenue

Vietnamese Farmers Market:

Saturdays, 6am - 9am 14401 Alcee Fortier Blvd, New Orleans East -- If you want to get up that early just to buy some snow peas, it's your funeral.

Daily:

Magnolia Farmer Co-Op & Market Place Open daily, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. Corner of Jackson and Simon Bolivar Avenues

Whole Foods Market

2009-09-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

5600 Magazine St., 899-9119; 3420 Veterans Blvd, Metairie, 888-8225 (BLD)

I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but there's this tiny little chain of grocery stores that has the kept unionization to a perfect zero percent, even though Whole Foods dictator John Mackey believes in the free will of the individual. Apparently he makes an exception when he's capitalizing on your labor. So a big fuck you to United Auto Workers, but a big fuck yeah to vegan food. Go get the Fair Trade chocolate chips and the one or two other vegan items in the store, but don't tell anyone, or soon you'll find yourself waiting an hour for a space in the parking lot.

Extra bonus review of Whole Foods' pizza: if you dig New York-style pizza, the Whole Foods uptown probably does the best reasonable facsimile. In addition to the usual toppings, you can pile it high with the most scrumptious yuppie delights, including artichoke hearts, button and portabello mushrooms, a mix of eggplant, squash and zucchini, and sundried tomatoes. Just watch out for the Hummers with the Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers whizzing around the parking lot.

Cochon

2009-02-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

Cochon, 930 Tchoupitoulas St., 588-2123
(New Orleans, DL)

I'm pleased to say that cochon.com is a French porn site. It'd be cool if the restaurant, website cochonrestaurant.com, showed images from cochon.com as you ate. Full disclosure: Stephen, one of the chef-owners, is our friend and neighbor. I lent him my copy of Omnivore's Dilemma about one or two years ago, and he's still reading it. Slow but thoughtful reader? Yes. Good cook? Quite. Sensitive to vegan needs? Very. Call him up about a week in advance and tell him you want to dine with three other vegans, and get him thinking all up in his mind about what he can make that's great and vegan. Or maybe he just slaps it together that same day with that same easy elegance that the late one-eyeballed Jew Sammy Davis, Jr., used to employ at the Sands when he was quietly threatened to whip fellow Jewish Hebrew and Sands co-owners Carl Cohen and Jakie Friedman if they didn't up his cut.

Cuvee

2009-02-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

Cuvee, 322 Magazine Street 504-587-9001
(Fancy, D)

When the parents come to town, Dad likes to get into his very sexy khakis and Mom into only the most fashionable pantsuit and spend a million dollars for dinner. Of course, being the spoiled ethnically suburban (though now living in the cityish Irish Channel part of N.O.) rich bitches that we are, we're only too happy to play dress-up and condone this class warfare carried out with heavy silverware on pristine white tablecoths.

The problem is that while many fancy restaurants know how to make a special vegan dish, they often think this means a pile of grilled vegetables seasoned liberally with an utter lack of inspiration. To these "chefs," I say, "Feh!" But more and more, your woman or man in the high white hat and checked pants will actually give a fuck, especially if you call ahead. Wcait, at the next table . . . is that Bob Dylan with a pair of crotchless panties on his head blowing his Victoria's Secret royalty check while singing "The Times They Are A Changin'?"

Although I can't remember for the life of me what we had, I remember it was like the coldest day of the year or something, and the vegan surprises were good, so good we almost didn't mind that we were freezing our clits off.

Mona's

2009-02-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

Mona's, 3901 Banks St., 482-7743; 504 Frenchmen St., 949-4115; 4126 Magazine St., 894-9800; 1120 S Carrollton Ave, 861-8175

(Middle Eastern, LD)

You can't spit or throw a rock in New Orleans without hitting a Mona's. Or spout some sad cliche, apparently. So it's inevitable you'll end up here sometime or other. And while you should do everything in your power to get to Lebanon's instead, you'll probably be quite satisfied at Mona's. Go for the huge green salad or the grape leaves plate, and you'll have a good day.

Breaking news. Supervegan fields of garlic reports that Mona's now poops its grape leaves out of a can. When I had the leaves a couple days ago, they were way too tangy. I drowned them with salt, and that made them better.

FYI, I love salt, and salt loves me. I have low blood pressure (80 over 50), so bring on the sodium. I'm one of those eccentric and at times annoying diners who doesn't even taste for salt before dumping it on my food.

Lebanon's

2009-02-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

Lebanon's, 1500 S. Carrollton Ave., 504--6200
(Middle Eastern, LD)

Flash forward to the year 200999. The liberals have prevailed. Marriage is no longer defined as being between just one man and one woman or even one just between one person and another person. . . . Lebanon's, do you take dazee to be your lawfully-wedded husband? I do. Dazee, do you take Lebanon's to be your lawfully-wedded restaurant? I do. Yes, this is what America has come to. Yes, it's the year 200999. Restaurants are marrying people. Dogs are marrying their owners' crotches. See, I told you so.

Seriously, though. Can I be serious for just a minute? Lebanon's grape leaves make me do the hokey-pokey. They're made not with just rice, but some other kind of grain, maybe cous-cous or bulgar wheat. Hell, I would marry Lebanon's just for the grape leaves. The falafel, hummus, etc., etc., also make me feel so fine, I freakin' be losin' my goddamn mind. And you don't have to feel like you're some kind of weirdo for not using whitening strips on your teeth like you do at Byblos. All you alcoholics out there should listen up, too: Lebanon's lets you BYOB. Me and Ol' Dirty Bastard were gonna bring a bathtub full of Moet and Chandon down to Lebanon's, and then he died. He died, man. Why'd he have to die? Why? Why? Why'd you have to die, ODB?

Dixie Gyro

2009-02-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Dixie Gyro, 110 Carondelet St., 523-6614
(Middle Eastern, L)

So you were wondering which Middle Eastern restaurant is the worst in New Orleans? The falafel, hummus, etc., is either dry, off, or both. Of course, you can get away with serving slops like this when you're steps away from where the streetcar drops off loads of tourists who may not know any better and you can practically smell the piss on Bourbon Street from the front door.

Casablanca

2009-02-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Casablanca, 3030 Severn Ave., Metairie, 504-888-2209
(Kosher, Middle Eastern , LD)

My ancestors stopped being kosher about three or four generations after we climbed down out of the trees. When I grew up, the last vestiges of this quaint little ritual meant that we could pack in the sausage or bacon but not pork or ham. Yeah, we were really assimilating, man. I've never really understood why you could eat as much campylobacter-stuffed chicken as you want, but the noble pig is somehow off limits. Whatever. I will, say, though, that the anti-cheeseburger set really does me right sometimes. Like Casablanca. The bad news here is the meat. The good news is that this means dairy stops at the door. So you get tadziki and, rumor has it, chocolate mousse pie made with soy. Kittee liked the grape leaves, heavy on the dill, but I say the rice inside is too dry. The combo appetizer is bi-polar. I don't like overly lemon-juiced hummus, but Casablanca's left me crying for more. I thought the falafel and baba ghanoush were too bland and the tabouli too soggy. I was also annoyed by the fluffy moistness of the pita bread. Fluffiness doesn't seem like a bad thing when you think about it, but I wanted the traditional flatter, drier version. Maybe I'm just a whiner. The spinach pie was more of a solid, vaguely cheesy mass than the delicate flaky thing I'm used to, but I liked it just the same. I also kind of liked the spicy red eggplant dip, which was very non-wimpy. I will defend the fresh fries to the death, though--they might be the best in town. If you want something more down-homey, go for the couscous with mixed vegetables. And don't forget to slap the rabbi on the back if you see him.

Kittee informs me this isn't her favorite review. She wants me to say that the tadziki is made with Tofutti sour cream ("I can tell") and that the grape leaves are big doo-doo size fatties. There, happy, kittee?

Byblos

2009-02-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

Byblos, 3218 Magazine St., 504-894-1233; 1501 Metairie Road, Metairie, 504-834-9773
(Middle Easter, LD)

(This review refers to the Uptown restaurant, the Metairie location is more of a deli and is counter service only).

I've never been to a fancier Middle Eastern restaurant. The serving staff are prettier'n Barbie and Ken with a radical makeover. You also get to eat on glamorous white tablecloths and stab your falafel balls with forks so heavy you need a fucking crane to lift them.

My advice is too ignore all the rich bitches surrounding you and just dig into the mezze. You can pick from the standards like falafel, hummus, and baba ganoush or go cuh-cuh-cuh-crazy with grape leaves, mujadarah, foul, and brown rice. Stay away from the spinach, which seems to be sauteed in butter. And make sure you ask if the spinach pies are vegan because I've forgotten now, and I'm too damn lazy to call and confirm this.

Plus, on Thursdays, you get to pitch an R-rated tent over all the belly dancers shakin' and bakin' right past your table

Babylon Cafe

2009-02-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

Any discussion of Middle Eastern restaurants has to start, of course, with Ralph Nader. Or maybe Nader's parents, who immigrated from Lebanon, opened a restaurant, and hatched the favorite whipping-boy of those Republicans in drag, the Democratic Party. I feel nothing but pity and the urge to giggle in your face if you dismissed Nader and voted for Obama. My warmest congratulations to you for voting for a man who thinks gays are second-class citizens, who voted to reauthorize the Patriot Act and for FISA, and to make class action lawsuits more difficult to file. And if you say to me now's not the right time to vote for your heart, I say, change the poopy diaper of your moderation because this was the same argument against ending slavery and Jim Crow. And Mr. Barack's shit stinks. And Mr. Barack himself smells like Hamburger Helper. But Mr. John is kind of like Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, jinkle jinkle. That was real popular for a while -- Rice-a-Roni. They gotta bring that back. If they don't bring Rice-a-Roni back pretty soon, I'm moving to Canada. That would be the last sucking liquid out of the straw. The flavor can't be beat. You know, maybe this restaurant reviewing thing isn't working out. Maybe I'm just using it as an excuse to go on political tirades. All I know is that if I'm elected president, I promise a free extra falafel ball in every sandwich, and you will be pleased because I will have no trouble getting an excellent falafel ball as New Orleans has a fuckload of very tasty Middle Eastern restaurants.

Babylon Cafe, 7724 Maple St., 504-314-0010
(Middle Eastern, LD)

My friend Blair thinks this is the best Middle Eastern restaurant in town. Blair is nice, handsome, and witty, but he might be a little meshugana because, he's dead wrong. It's the second best. kittee thinks they have great homemade flatbread though. Even President Punny-Printer would like the grape leaves, I mean dolmas, I mean dolmas.

Nacho Mama's Mexican Grill

2009-02-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Nacho Mama's Mexican Grill, 3242 Magazine St., 504-899-0031
(Mexican, LD)

Stay away. Kittee had a cold black bean burrito, and I had some other kind of crap I only have bad semi-suppressed memories of. Of course, it's wildly popular here, proving yet again that we are all alone in this great void.

Taqueria Corona

2009-02-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

Taqueria Corona II, 85932 Magazine St, 504-897-3974
(Mexican, LD)

We used to hate this place and dazee gave them a really mean and ugly review. I deleted it, since we love it now. I don't know what happened, but it's really good. Order the cebollitas, which are char-grilled green onions doused in lime juice, olive oil and salt and make sure you get the salsa cart brought to your table so you can drizzle some salsa negra on whatever you choose. Kittee likes the taco salad and dazee goes for the tiny petite bean burrito, it don't matter 'since their beans are vegan. The guacamole is just OK, but the margaritas are good with a nice taquila.

Juan's Flying Burrito

2009-02-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Juan's Flying Burrito, 2018 Magazine St., 504-569-000; 4724 South Carrollton Avenue
(Mexican, LD)

Juan's is so punk rock. Angry Caucasian caveman music blares from the hi-fi, and two to one, your pierced waiter might just have a titanium rod jammed through his anal wall and curling out the head of his cock. Of course, I brought my out-of-town friends here one day, and wouldn't you know, someone had just sucked down a tank of ironic gas and proceeded to torture us with the Footloose soundtrack. So if you want a nice peaceful dinner, fuck off. But if you want a decent, wholesome (and, unfortunately, about as Mexican as Nanook of the North) burrito, you'll need to party down at Juan's. I always go for the veggie punk on whole wheat with smoky pinto beans, taters, and guacamole subbed absolutely free for cheese. Of course, the bean tacos will show you a helluva good time, too. Then what you do is get fucked up on a pitcher of margaritas and pump some money into our economy by blowing your whole paycheck on overpriced tschotchkes in the delightful antique shops nearby.

Kosher Cajun Deli & Grocery

2009-02-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

Kosher Cajun New York Deli & Grocery, 3520 N. Hullen St., Metairie, 504-888-2010
(Deli, LD)

Veganism and Zionism hook up and make some beautiful love in Kosher Cajun. I mean, they totally get it on. Shit. I haven't ordered anything from the deli, but who cares, because Kosher Cajun's store is stocked full of vegan treats. Put all of these on your shopping list: vegan white chocolate chips, confectioner's glaze-free jimmies, containers of Tofutti cream cheese and sour cream; a 48-piece assortment of Mon Cuisine Frozen Foods Vegetarian Vegan Party Favorites, including pigs in a blanket. And then you can celebrate the continued mass murder and oppression of Palestinians by moseying over to the clothing section and picking up your very own Israeli Defense Forces jacket. Fantasize about mowing down a rock-throwing Palestinian child with your Bazooka while chewing on the Israeli version of the namesake bubble-gum. Mazel tov!

Sake Cafe

2009-01-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sake Cafe, 2830 Magazine St., 504-894-0033
(Japanese, Sushi, LD)

Kittee thinks the vegetable rolls are the bee's knees; I think the avocado rolls are the bee's balls. As in reallly good bee's balls. The creamy avocado rolls went down more easily. The last time I ordered the seaweed salad, it was cloyingly sweet. And the tofu steak, while OK in and of itself, was accompanied by a dipping broth that may have been wrung out of sweaty socks. Plus, the house salad was buried under dressing a bit too thousand-islandy for my comfort. Better were the cucumber and bean-sprout salads, which may be the only things that keep me coming back. (Warning: the second time I ordered the bean-sprout salad, it was polluted with strips of fake crab.) Oh, I did have maybe the best glass of sake ever, pearl sake, an unfiltered brew that came off almost like spiked rice milk. Of course, Sake Cafe almost ruined the whole thing by serving it in a martini glass, for christ's sake. Demand that you be brought a shot glass or you'll look creepy.

I don't think kittee would disagree with me about the atmosphere--it's intimidatingly sleek, modern, and humorless. The bathroom is frightening--oh, it's clean enough, but try taking a whiz while an up-tempo lite jazz groove pumps in your ears and you know you have a heavy, heavy paper towel waiting for you after you drive your hands. Don't forget to wear your thin Armani sweater, linen slacks, and fake tanning cream, ya'll. As far as I know, kittee is the only woman with sweaty, hairy armpits to have ever dined at Sake Cafe.

Okinago

2009-01-29T07:01:00.000-08:00

Okinago, 2712 N. Arnoult Rd., Metairie, 504-780-8588 (LD)

Okinago sets out a sprawling buffet of not-half-bad Japanese and Chinese items, not half-bad a'tall. You get the inevitable slightly stale tinge of buffet food slowly dessicating in the open air, but the variety will put you in a gleeful mood. There's everything from seaweed salad to pickled vegetables to vegetable sushi and saucy Chinese possibilities (no MSG, I was told), too.

Miyako

2009-01-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

Miyako, 1403 St. Charles Ave., 504-410-9997; 3837 Veterans Blvd., 504-779-6475;
(Japanese, Sushi, LD)

Miyako advertises the largest hibachi tables in town. If you can deal with the stench of sizzling meat soiling your nostrils, you could do worse than eat here. There's a vegetable tempura entree (maybe vegan, maybe not) and the St. Charles location is right on the streetcar line.

Kyoto

2009-01-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

Kyoto, 4920 Prytania St., 504-891-3644 (LD)

We last ate here once about three years ago. The room was pretty enough and the food presentation precious in the usual finicky sushi-restaurant way. I don't remember much about the chow. It was probably OK. Why haven't we been back since. Why? Why does a mother love her ugly fucking stupid baby? I have no idea. Does everything have to make sense? Can't we just bask in god's mystery? Yes, I know, another helpful review.

Horinoya

2009-01-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

Horinoya, 920 Poydras St., 504-561-8914
(Japanese, Sushi, LD)

When I'm not reviewing restaurants that dare to serve vegan food, I'm a conniving, sleazy lawyer who loves nothing more than twisting the truth into a pretzel for the sake of my clients. You can scratch up a powerful hunger in this honorable work, Priscilla, and there's nothing that quite quenches the growl in my stomach than heading to Horinoya, my pick for best vegan sushi. The green seaweed salad is crisp and not too sweet the way some amateurs prepare it. Go wild and try the hijiki salad, too. Make sure you tell the waiter to leave the bonito flakes back in the kitchen, though. If I were you, dear vegan reader, I would also order the vegetable rolls, tiny gardens of earthly delights, all crisp and fresh. And these guys put the rock in broccoli. You get a ton of it, and it's steamed to the perfect texture, right between crisp and soft and topped with a creamy carrot-ginger dressing. Shit, there's a million things you can get on this menu, even Cajun-style edamame. The only thing I had a problem with was the natto, stringy and sour fermented soybeans. It's probably an acquired taste, but I think I'll be a closed-minded American bastard and just stuff myself with the broccoli.

Taj Mahal

2009-01-25T15:23:00.000-08:00

Taj Mahal, 923-C Metairie Road, Metairie, LA 504-836-6859
(Indian, LD)

I can't recommend this place. I can't not recommend it. You won't love it. You won't hate it. I pretty much don't remember jack shit about this place except that one waiter looked like Hunter S. Thompson, and the room was as stuffy as my dead grandma's armpit.

Salt N Pepper

2009-01-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

Salt N Pepper, 201 N. Peters St. , 504-561-6070
(Pakistani, LD)

I always knew that America and Pakistan would make sweet beautiful love in the form of a restaurant. And then Salt N Pepper comes along and has the balls to open a little dive serving the cuisines of these two mighty Allah/Jesus/Great Void-fearing nations right in the French Quarter. You could order a pizza or an oyster po-boy here, but being the foreign food snobs that we are, we always go for the Pakistani.

These crazy coo-coo birds love oil more than George W. Motherfuckin Bush and his momma put together. Be careful, too, to order the food to the proper spiciness level. Otherwise, you might have flames shooting out of your mouth. Well, if you can get past the grease, the vegetables will do you right, especially the spinach and eggplant are both creamy delish. Be warned about the samosas, too. They've got this weird flaky crust, but once you break them open, the taters will give you love. Stay away from the pakoras unless you're prepared to chomp into fried bits of onion and potato that may be well-cooked or may be the temperature of ice cream. The cook clearly gives a shit when he's making the flaky slightly sourdough naan and the deeply spiced potato parathas, though. Red alert: make sure you get it without butter. Oh, and with any dish, be sure to scream from the top of your lungs that you don't want any yogurt, or else you'll get a big stinking pool of it with anything you order.

Nirvana Indian Cuisine

2009-01-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

Nirvana Indian Cuisine, 4308 Magazine St., 504-894-9797
(Indian, LD)

You know when you've been to a restaurant a long time ago and you remember you didn't like it that much, and you haven't been back for decades? And then you go again? This is my story. I hit the buffet recently. The standard two or three vegan choices packed a wallop, briefly making me regret my hiatus, only to have my world come crashing down around me thanks to the ice cold pakoras. How perfectly goddamn delightful it all is to be sure, plus kittee doubts they have anything vegan, so definitely barrage waitstaff with thorough questioning.

India's Restaurant

2009-01-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

India's Restaurant, 5230 Essen Lane, Baton Rouge, LA 225-769-0600
(Indian, LD)

We had to evacuate to Baton Rouge after the levees failed. But instead of moping about the shitty town we had to hang out in while our town dried out, we decided to make fertilizer out of it. Yes, this blog is proud to announce that it's expanding its restaurant review section to Baton Rouge. We hope to crush or annex any websites containing vegan-oriented reviews of capital-area restaurants, just like the good little capitalists that we are. Well, the buffet was a bit slim in its vegan pickings, but what was there was pretty all right. One of the steam trays was packed with mini masala dosas. And although they were kind of soggy, you should count your blessings--it's not every day you run into dosas at your local Indian buffet. The bhindi masala shows all you Southern motherfuckers how okra should be cooked.

Hookah Cafe

2009-01-25T15:06:00.000-08:00

Hookah Cafe, 1132 Decatur St., 504-566-7057
(Wannabe Indian, LD)

The first time I ate here, I stupidly ordered only a beet salad with, I think, mango sauce. It was tasty enough but I left crying with hunger and had to quickly inject a falafel at the Mona's on Frenchman for dessert.

Then I went back and had the spinach and tofu and smoked a hookah. I felt like the cutest fluffiest little puppy in the world romping in a sunshiny meadow. Little did I know it would be the high point of my life. The levees failed, and now I have an anxiety disorder. Shit, I need to go back there for my mental health if nothing else.

August Moon

2009-01-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

August Moon, 3635 Prytania St., 504-899-5129, 504-899-5122
(Chinese and Vietnamese, LD)

Kittee likes this place more than me, though it does get points for being MSG-free. You be the tiebreaker. I've had better Vietnamese soft spring rolls, though the super-crunchy tofu inside just about made up for the too-sweet peanut hoisin sauce. kittee thought the eggplant was just right. It was too sweet for me. The lemongrass tofu with vermicelli noodles and General Tso's tofu were kind of lacking in personality. OK, time to put on a (mostly) happy face. August Moon is also open late, it's right across the street from a Kwicky Mart ("a pack of Kools, a Gatorade, and a Penthouse--will that be all, sir?") caddy-corner from a hospital (very handy in case of heart attack caused by uncontrollable rage kindled by denial of soy milk).

Five Happiness

2009-01-25T15:00:00.001-08:00

Five Happiness, 3605 S. Carrollton Ave., 504-482-3935
(Chinese, LD)

Half the population of China could fit into this sprawling warehouse of a restaurant. Good, let 'em. This place is about as uninspired as it gets. But our waiter knew the word "vegan" -- ding ding ding ding. Steer clear of the barely edible tofu and go straight for the eggplant. Five Happiness gets five smiley faces for serving brown rice. And that brings up a larger point -- I don't think any city east of San Francisco has more restaurants offering rice of color. I think everyone in New Orleans went on a sugar busters diet a few years ago, and we just never got over it.

Coco Hut

2009-01-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

Coco Hut, 2515 Bayou Rd., 504-945-8788
(Caribbean, LD)

It's good. It's very good. The Back Yard Banana Chips, a.k.a. fried plaintains, are the best in town. The lentil soup is a miracle. The owner, Pam Thompson, is from Cali, Columbia, and has lived in New Orleans since the age of 5. Her husband is from Kingston, Jamaica. They're Nyabinghi Rastafarians. There are lots of photos in Coco Hut of Jah Rastafari himself, the emperor Haile Selassie. Sorry to be the bearer of the truth, but if you don't go to this place within one week of reading this review, the blackheart man is gonna get you and your children.

Surrey's Cafe & Juice Bar

2009-01-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

Surrey's Cafe & Juice Bar, 1418 Magazine St., 504-524-3828
(New Orleans, American, BL)

Ding ding ding. The word "vegan" actually appears on the menu, so love is in the air already. You can start with Fair Trade, I repeat, Fair Trade, coffee and regular soy milk (If I'm not mistaken, I saw owner Greg Surrey carrying some bags full of food items from the nearby Wal-Mart, including Silk. Bad move, Greg.) Or you can go for a freshly squeezed organic juice. Or Abita root beer on tap. If you go for the tofu platter or sub it for eggs, though, proceed with caution. I've gotten it in pretty decent crispy-fried cubes, and I've had sopping, over-marinated strips. Definitely order the chunky home fries, though. If Bush ate these (and maybe got rimmed by an intern just like a sexy president should) every day, we probably wouldn't be getting ready to bomb the fuck out of Iran right now. Another boner-producing menu item is the vegan avocado mash po-boy. And for you fake vegan wanna-bes, Surrey's loves you, too, with organic yard eggs.

13

2009-01-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

13, 517 Frenchmen St., 942-1345
(American, BLD)

I've a pretty OK barbecue tofu po boy a couple times. So if you're in the Marigny and you need a tofu scramble or a tofu breakfast burrito, this is pretty much you're only option, but be prepared to choke down some stingily-seasoned food. OK, enough negativity already. Despite the food, I was kind of charmed by this place. The tables are in the back, and there's a bar in front. The morning we went, the doors were swung wide open, and I wished I had sat there to catch a buzz until it was time for a falafel at Mona's.

Elizabeth's

2009-01-25T09:45:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth's Restaurant, 601 Gallier St., 504-944-9272
(New Orleans, BL)

We last made it here in October 2004. Since then, it's changed owners and, more importantly, egg suppliers. Elizabeth's used to get its eggs from our adorable across-the-street neighbor Patrick, who picks up said eggs from his equally adorable chickens, who romp, beaks intact, in his backyard and on his mama's farm in Mississippi. Now, it's anyone's guess.

I'll assume, but not guarantee, that nothing's changed. I can't remember whether we had a sweet potato or french po-boy or both here, but the point is that you can get some kind of potato on soft french bread and join in a glorious New Orleans tradition without roast beef juice dripping down your face or an oyster exploding in your mouth. Bring your own veganaise, and live like a vegan star (just don't use their vinegar, kittee tried some and and then realized there were 25,7897,455 dead fruit flies in it.)

Bennachin

2009-01-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

Bennachin, 1212 Royal St., 504-522-1230
(African, LD)

Fuck yeah, man. This place may have the tastiest vegan food in town, and it's in a quiet part of the French Quarter. For you geography buffs, Bennachin cooks a combo of Gambian and Cameroonian food. Forklift the jama-jama (spinach) into your mouth as fast as it'll go. The plantains would make Jesus hop down from the cross, as would the coconut rice. And each dish comes with a quaint little vaguely football-shaped white roll the same consistency as po-boy bread. I have no idea if this is a Gambian thing, a Cameroonian thing, or a New Orleans thing. The blackeyed-pea fritter po-boy is okay if you're looking for a vegan variation on the famous local sandwich, but it's a bit tasteless compared with the other mighty offerings on the menu. The fritters were sort of like deep-fried grit balls, and together with the bread packed maybe too super starchy of a punch.

If none of this sounds good to you, maybe you need to see a priest. Or you could follow this tip: many of the meat dishes are available vegan-style. I would, and do, order the dishes served with fufu, a sourdough-tasting mound of pounded cassava.

Bennachin also happens to be the perfect way to get your mind off that nasty Jazzfest sunburn. These guys have a stand at the fest at which you can slurp down some jama-jama and plantains while you're getting your jam-band boogie on.

Commander's Palace

2009-01-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Commander's Palace, 1403 Washington Ave., (504) 899-8221 (Weekend jazz brunch, LD)
When you make a reservation, tell 'em you request a vegan meal.

Is it snooty? Yes, and I quote, "Dress is upscale, jackets preferred at dinner. No Shorts." So if you go in there like a wise guy with your long white t-shirt and your jeans hanging low, I don't care if you're Lil fuckin' Wayne, expect to be dragged back to the kitchen and have a shaving cream pie smashed in your damn face.

What I suggest for the ladies is to wear something baggy and sleeveless, something that shows off your sweaty armpit hair nicely. I didn't see that banned by the dress code.

Is it touristy? Yeah, but who gives a shit? Look around, and you'll also see something far more repulsive -- a bunch of rich white New Orleans uptown prunes with huge gold broaches and earrings so heavy, their lobes drag on the ground. You know who you are -- you Nancy (Worms Have Recently and Justifiably Torn the Dead Flesh From My Bones) Reagan lookalikes who care more about what to wear to your no-blacks-allowed Mardi Gras ball than about Chopper City soldiers killing one another at a rate unsurpassed by any other city in America.

Disclaimer: Commander's is a fully integrated eating establishment. If you're a person with color, and you have a jacket and a couple hundred bucks, you get a table at Commander's, no questions asked.

Well, that's some expert sociological analysis right there. It's making me hungry.

The one time I ate there, Commander's served the tied-for-best (with Cochon) fancy vegan meal I've ever had. It was grilled veggies and a salad -- and I can't really tell you what made them so magical because I have a bad memory -- but someone back in the kitchen put some fairy dust on that shit or something. Someone else I know reports similar results.

Now, I hope this review doesn't have unintended consequences, like Commander's chef jizzing in your appetizer just because you're vegan. Not all vegans are this bitter and nasty. And yet so willing to speak the truth.

Well, I was gonna write more, but the doggie's gotta go pee pee and poo poo.